Decisions

This whole decision to quit my job has definitely opened some crazy doors in my life. Who knew that quitting something so simple could have such an impact. But, I guess, at the end of the day, many people define their entire lives by their occupation. What is a career anyway? Is it truly something that defines who you are? I think the answer is within the question. How do you define something that is unique to every individual person that walks down the street? I don't think you can. Merriam-Webster defines a career as "a profession for which one trains and which is undertaken as a permanent calling" or "a field for or pursuit of consecutive progressive achievement especially in public, professional, or business life". Where does that career begin? Again, an answer unique to the individual. My career has always been set out for me. I'm lucky to have known what I want to do. But is that really what I wanted? Or am I comfortable with the idea that I had a career path lined up? After graduating college, exactly what I want to do with my life have never been more unclear. I know that I want to be in the legal world. I understand the law. I am comfortable with the law. But do I want to be a lawyer? Or is the career of a paralegal something I'll be happy with? Am I settling? Am I letting some piece of my career goals be set free? I don't think so. I'm 23 years old. I have the rest of my life to determine if I actually do want my JD. I still have my career in front of me. For me, it hasn't even started yet. I thought it had. But I was wrong.

While we're on the subject of a career or not a career… and what to do with my life… we review the opportunities that have come available in the great state of Alaska. The age old individual, who will remain nameless for anyone who isn’t familiar with the story (those that are, you already know). Plan A: Move to AK, live with him, get a counselor and start really healing these old wounds from my days of my parents marriage. Or maybe I open up those old wounds and end up years behind where I am right now. The two options are frightening. It could be the best decision I ever make or the worst. Either way, if anyone was going to be my room mate through all of that, I would want it to be him. Or am I setting myself up to dive back in to those old feelings and emotions and then have that one anchor of my heart staring me in the face every night? Again, frightening. But I don’t want to run this time. I have always cut and run away. This time, I’m feeling brave. I’m feeling like maybe it is time to move forward with the simple task of moving forward. I guess an important question to ask is whether it would just be him and I living together. He has always been a solid constant in my life. He has always been there on a drunk Friday night so let me know that somewhere, out there, I am loved. It sounds like a fairly tale from the movies. Like a dream world that I’m walking through everyday but it just never seems to wake me up. How have I created this reality?

Speaking of plans… plan B. The wonder pill? I feel like it’s just par for the course with all of the irresponsible decisions I’m making in my life right now, and being unsure about everything…that I should end up having to take such a pill. Two tiny pink pills can fix a huge mistake. It provides another second chance to make another good decision in a series of not-so-good ones. In a more negative tone, I would term them flat out retarted. Someone must have possessed my body and forced me to do those things because I am not the punch-drunk love dreaming 7^th grader anymore. Or am I? Is that the real me that I’ve been trying to find?

I feel like I need a swift punch to the face right now. Just a cold right hook to knock me back into reality. Any takers?