It's 4:37 a.m.

And I'm wondering what the hell I'm doing with my life.  I know that I've been doing way too much of that lately.  What do I want? What is there to want in life? First world problems, right? My biggest concern in my life right now is having my own apartment. It's interesting how something so small, it seems, can truly throw a huge curve ball in my life. Every time I find something that I think I really want, I fuck it up. Or it fucks itself up. But there's the questions, isn't it? Am I responsible for creating the problem that isn't really there? Or is there always just a problem that I'm able to see way too clearly?

Questions...

Life is about questioning every thing around you.  I think you need to make a choice and move forward no matter what the consequences.  There are consequences of every decision you will ever make. No matter how small. At the least, your consequence is what you lost by not choosing your given alternative.  But a person cannot live their life by alternatives. You can't have things both ways. You get one chance. Speaking of, Pandora is a dirty mistress of life. I'm sitting here, trying to figure out what to do and she plays "Ready to Love Again" by Lady Antabellum.  I could swear sometimes that God talks to me through a fuckin radio. There are so many times when I'm deep in thought or questioning something huge and I feel like the answer comes over the radio. Whether or not I listen to the song, I hear it. Maybe I need to go to church. Just sit there and think about it for a while and see what happens.

Fly away. Taking a leap of faith is what love is all about. Just deciding that you're going to dive, head first, into this crazy dream that some people spend their life dreaming about. I have spent my life dreaming about the opposite. A marriage for business. For insurance. A father to my kids. It's interesting that I've always envisioned having kids but never actually envisioned being married for love. But right now that feels like the answer but then I think I'm giving up something that I'm told to search for. I'm told to settle for nothing less. But does it really exist? Are we all sent searching for something that doesn't really exist? The answer is so individualized, though, that there is no way to answer it for sure.

My mom keeps asking if I'm in love. What is love? Everyone has their own definition of love, I think. That definition of love, individual to a particular person, is what gets us through each day. An endless series of relationships defined by a slight variation of love. You love your job, your car, your pet, your bed, your fireplace, your spouse. You love everything in a different way and if you don't love something, you toss it out. And endless cycle of love and hate. So is there an answer to the question of whether I'm in love? I don't think so. I think I've grown to become far too logical for something like love. Or maybe I'm jaded. Maybe this isn't love. God only knows. I hope he knows. Somebody's got to, I guess. But at the end of the day, I think this is something I want. On paper it's a good choice.

Every thing in life needs a plan. We live by a calendar of events watch each hour of the day tick by slowly but surly. Moving forward, making choices. We will see what happens. That's all we can do. Just sit back and wait for the next opportunity to choose. Move forward, never look back.

"Verbal" Vomit

Why is it always the case that unhappy people want to make others unhappy? Misery loves company, I guess.  I just don’t understand it.  I find joy in other people’s joy.  Sure, I find sorrow in their heart break too but at the end of the day, I lay my head down a happy person.  I’m happy with where my life is right now.  I’m happy with how I look, my job, my relationship, etc.  So why does my mother force herself upon me to ensure that all the things that make me happy seem not to matter?  She constantly insults everyone and everything around her and it makes me sad to be around her.  She is very unhappy and it’s not my job to fix it.  I guess it’s a good thing that I don’t feel responsible for it.  It’s not my fault.  I’d like to blame my sister but she just manipulates everyone around her.  I guess isn’t comforting that I know I’m an honest person, no matter what.  I know there are people who appreciate that.  My family doesn’t because they aren’t honest and they don’t like being caught in their bull shit.  At some point, I think it’s better not to catch them.  I can float around in the fog that is life, not knowing that every member of my family is in a constant spiral of dishonesty.  Is that better?  I think it must be. 

Side note – Stef was considering drinking again with her friend Alyssa when she’s in New York City next weekend.  Like must be fucking hard when you have no job and get to travel to NYC for the weekend.  She has this big come to Jesus with her therapist and my mom where she decided she wasn’t going to drink.  The simple fact that it took serious consideration just makes me laugh.  She can struggle with addiction and I’m fine with that.  I almost want to say I hope she falls of the wagon again so they maybe snap out of their ridiculous fog.  But then again, why would she?  She completely lives on them and a hard day is spending $250.00 on 1 single pair of jeans.  I’m glad she enjoys her life. 

I’ve been thinking about going to a counselor to have someone to talk to about all of this stuff.  I know nothing is ever going to change and that I really need to learn to accept it.  But I think it might be helpful to go and talk it out.  If anything, someone to tell me that these feelings I have are justified and okay.  That I don’t owe them anything and that it’s okay to move on with my life.  I want to move to a foreign country where they won’t come visit.  I hope they won’t, at least.

I need to get out this weekend.  That’s for sure.  I wish I had someplace to come home to that was quiet so I didn’t have to deal with them.  But, alas, I do not.  I might go over to my aunt and uncles maybe.  They are pretty laid back and it might be nice to get away for a while.  Unfortunately, I can’t go without Skoot.  I wish she was with me right now so I could take her with me.  She’s such a good pup.  I know she tries so hard and I can’t wait until she’s out of this unhealthy environment.  I’m sure she’s unhappy knowing how unhappy I am.  She responds really sensitively when she thinks that I’m upset.  It’s really adorable.  She really is my pup.  I hope she’s okay in Alaska.  I have to send her up to Jeremy for a few weeks until he moves down here because my Step Dad apparently can’t handle her being at the house.  It’s really unfortunate because this whole thing is so stupid.  I know Jeremy will take good care of her and I just hope that she will be happy there.  It’s only for a short time and then she’ll be back with me.  I’m nervous about her flying, for the first time, by herself though.  On the way back, she will be with Jeremy on the plane.  I’m going to buy him a T-shirt that says it’s his girlfriend’s dog.  I think it will be cute to see him and Skoot together.  I’m sure she will warm up to him eventually.  It will suck to be away from her for so long.  But at the moment, it’s what’s best for her because she’s not okay in the current environment.  Understanding that makes it easier to deal with being away from her.  I feel like I’m sending her away but I’m sending her to one of the only people I can trust to take care of her.  I just hope he doesn’t get annoyed with her cuz I know she’s a pain.  She’s my little pain though J.  It will seem like she’s gone forever but then it will go by fast, I’m sure.  I do wish I could take her up there so she didn’t have to fly alone but I’ll sedate her.  Hopefully she won’t even wake up on the plane so she won’t know what happened.  That would be ideal!

In other news, Jeremy is moving down in January.  Skoot will be back down then and will move into my old apartment with him.  Then he will stay there until April with Skoot.  And then we all move into a house or condo together.  I’m hoping we can find something a little nicer than a shitty apartment but at the same time, we might save money being in an apartment.  They aren’t much less expensive than a townhouse, for example, so I think that’s a better option.  We are also getting a 2 bedroom so we can have some extra space to spread out.  I think it will be nice to have an office or just an escape pod for a while.  We also need to look at buying a new car for him.  Maybe new vehicles for both of us?  I really want a new car but that can wait a while.  My truck still runs fine.  If something goes wrong though, it will be unfortunate.  It would just be very nice to have something a bit more fuel efficient. 

Btw, I’m at work but there isn’t anything to do so I’m writing because there is shit on my mind.  I’m definitely feeling better than I was before.  I think I just needed to get some complaining off the chest.  Now back to “work”! 

Refocus

It's been two weeks since I came back from Alaska and I've finally realized why I'm so unsure about everything.  First of all, I've been planning a wedding that is so far in the future, it's crazy to think about.  Any girl enjoys her wedding planning.  All girls like to dream about that one special day that they've seen in the movies hundreds of times.  Who will be their prince at the end of the aisle?  But in reality we're searching for that one person that might be able to deal with us for a few years.  That's what America's been reduced to, isn't it?  Temporary marriage with the first person that comes along until we decide to change our mind and move on with life, find the next person that we might be able to spend a few years with.  Is this any different? Hell if I know but we will find out.
Thank you Trevor, btw, for getting me to put two spaces between periods.  I was, at one point, against that because it's more work, lol, but it's good.  It does look sharp :-).
The thing that I have realized is that it's only been two freekin weeks.  I need to take a serious step back and start planning where we are going to live in Olympia before I start planning out wedding ceremony.  On that note though, I think we should do a destination wedding.  Just peace out.  This is, of course, about us and no one else.  Maybe I'll employ Brianna and my sister to plan a wonderful reception for our return from Iceland or something.  Now there's an idea.  And we don't have to worry about my crazy family because it will be over.  But I'm not planning this right now, remember? Focus.  Where we are going to live is a serious question right now because I don't know much of anything about Olympia.  But we are going to learn!

So now we sit down and look at what is before us on a much smaller scale.  We focus on preparations for Jeremy to move down here.  We focus on finding place to live for our little family as it stands today.  Me. Jeremy.  And skoot.  There are some awesome duplex's available with yards for little Belle to run around in.  I want something like that.  A duplex where we can have some animals and enjoy our time together.  That sounds like a good time.  So that's what we're working on.  Focus.

Philosophy

So I was going to write this as a comment to someone else's blog but it seems more fitting as a post on my own. And I know they will read it here too :-)

I think my favorite part about this blog thing is that we are talking to people who aren't really there, lol. Who are we writing to, anyway? Who is expected to read this stuff? What's interesting is that it's posted on the internet so it's basically saved in the public world for centuries. It's kinna kool to think that I might be able to go back and find this stuff in ten or twenty more years and read all about how things were. Now there's another interesting concept - time. It feels like a year is sooo far ahead of us but when you look back, things that happened years ago feel like they were just yesterday. Memories are kool like that, I guess. You have things that happen and they stay cemented in the reality of our mind forever. Do we really ever forget something? I don't think so. I think the information just wanders off in our brain for a while and then comes back eventually.

Clearly I've had too much down time today because I'm started getting into such deep thoughts as this. It is interesting though. Sometimes it's hard to think about the future. It seems so bright sometimes and others, it's as dreary as a rainy day. I hate rainy days. All rainy days just suck.

In other news, what's important to remember is that everyone is just another player in the game of life. There are big players and little players but they are all interconnected somehow. I used a story today about Jeremy to help my sister resolve her issues with stupid boy. Stupid boy's name is a fact that continues to escape me. It doesn't matter though. The point is that I referred to an event that happened while I was in AK - my friend Dave came over to visit and was at Jeremy's house. His room mates were all offended and upset that I had another guy over at his house etc but he didn't care at all. That's one of the huge important details of our relationship - we are secure. I don't find myself worrying about him being out with other girls or whatever. Granted, now that we're actually together, I probably won't be makin out on the couch with my first boyfriend but ... yea, we all know I'm a terrible person. Stop judging me.

Anyway, I'm excited to see what might happen in the next couple months. It will definitely be life changing no matter what happens. I hope I'm making the right decision because, well, someone's about to give up a lot for me. I'm so sure about this though. I just always doubt that I can be happy no matter what's in front of me. All the pieces are there. I just have to accept it. I feel like a counselor might be required to dive into this issue a bit farther. Am I holding myself back or is there a genuine tangible reason to be emotionally reserved at this point?

Hmmmm.....

Dreaming or Planning?

Because I have nothing else to do at work today... since my boss hasn't come in yet, I'm planning wedding ideas --

I read online that you can get a hard wood floor for your outdoor wedding tent and that's the recommendation if it's going to be wet or something. Totally going with it! I was thinking about the options for having the ceremony and reception at the homer house and making the tent the location for both events but I'm not sure that's do-able. I like the idea of having the reception in Anchorage but I can't figure out where. Again, tons of time. The logistics are evil though -- ceremony in Homer and then drive to Anchorage for the reception? Is that crazy? I feel like this is crazy. 

At the same time, I think it would be kool to have a few hours after the ceremony in a car with Jeremy to let it all soak in. So, say we have a morning wedding around 10 or 11, then start the drive. We can have everything in the car to change (if we want to) on the drive back to anchorage and just relax for a couple hours. I think it would be kinna kool. Unfortunately,  I think it would mean that the wedding party would go back to Homer then to clean up but maybe my family could hire a clean up crew. My grandma would probably stay at the house to make sure everything's back together but that wouldn't be the end of the world. How much reception is she going to be up for anyway? I think she'd just enjoy the ceremony. I dunno. I would have to talk to the family I guess about their opinion on logistics because I wouldn't want them all stuck at the homer house while I'm in Anchorage at the reception. They kinna need to be there too. I do really like the idea of not going straight from the ceremony to the reception though because it gives a little break in the day. And it gives me the opportunity to relax, take a nap or something if I'm super frazzled. I will calm down a big, I'm sure. And it also makes the day longer, though so it's more fun. That's my idea anyway. I'm so excited about this whole plan. 

Granted, this whole plan does totally put the cart before the horse. I feel like we need to live together for a while. And I know that 2014 gives us lots of time to do that but there's still something holding me back. Perhaps, of course, it's simply that he isn't down here yet. I think that will help me feel a lot better about this whole plan. For now, it's fun to dream. Although, this is more than a dream. It's planning! 

More on this later... I'm sure.