And I'm wondering what the hell I'm doing with my life. I know that I've been doing way too much of that lately. What do I want? What is there to want in life? First world problems, right? My biggest concern in my life right now is having my own apartment. It's interesting how something so small, it seems, can truly throw a huge curve ball in my life. Every time I find something that I think I really want, I fuck it up. Or it fucks itself up. But there's the questions, isn't it? Am I responsible for creating the problem that isn't really there? Or is there always just a problem that I'm able to see way too clearly?
Questions...
Life is about questioning every thing around you. I think you need to make a choice and move forward no matter what the consequences. There are consequences of every decision you will ever make. No matter how small. At the least, your consequence is what you lost by not choosing your given alternative. But a person cannot live their life by alternatives. You can't have things both ways. You get one chance. Speaking of, Pandora is a dirty mistress of life. I'm sitting here, trying to figure out what to do and she plays "Ready to Love Again" by Lady Antabellum. I could swear sometimes that God talks to me through a fuckin radio. There are so many times when I'm deep in thought or questioning something huge and I feel like the answer comes over the radio. Whether or not I listen to the song, I hear it. Maybe I need to go to church. Just sit there and think about it for a while and see what happens.
Fly away. Taking a leap of faith is what love is all about. Just deciding that you're going to dive, head first, into this crazy dream that some people spend their life dreaming about. I have spent my life dreaming about the opposite. A marriage for business. For insurance. A father to my kids. It's interesting that I've always envisioned having kids but never actually envisioned being married for love. But right now that feels like the answer but then I think I'm giving up something that I'm told to search for. I'm told to settle for nothing less. But does it really exist? Are we all sent searching for something that doesn't really exist? The answer is so individualized, though, that there is no way to answer it for sure.
My mom keeps asking if I'm in love. What is love? Everyone has their own definition of love, I think. That definition of love, individual to a particular person, is what gets us through each day. An endless series of relationships defined by a slight variation of love. You love your job, your car, your pet, your bed, your fireplace, your spouse. You love everything in a different way and if you don't love something, you toss it out. And endless cycle of love and hate. So is there an answer to the question of whether I'm in love? I don't think so. I think I've grown to become far too logical for something like love. Or maybe I'm jaded. Maybe this isn't love. God only knows. I hope he knows. Somebody's got to, I guess. But at the end of the day, I think this is something I want. On paper it's a good choice.
Every thing in life needs a plan. We live by a calendar of events watch each hour of the day tick by slowly but surly. Moving forward, making choices. We will see what happens. That's all we can do. Just sit back and wait for the next opportunity to choose. Move forward, never look back.
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