Why is it always the case that unhappy people want to make others
unhappy? Misery loves company, I guess.
I just don’t understand it. I
find joy in other people’s joy. Sure, I
find sorrow in their heart break too but at the end of the day, I lay my head
down a happy person. I’m happy with where
my life is right now. I’m happy with how
I look, my job, my relationship, etc. So
why does my mother force herself upon me to ensure that all the things that
make me happy seem not to matter? She
constantly insults everyone and everything around her and it makes me sad to be
around her. She is very unhappy and it’s
not my job to fix it. I guess it’s a
good thing that I don’t feel responsible for it. It’s not my fault. I’d like to blame my sister but she just manipulates
everyone around her. I guess isn’t comforting
that I know I’m an honest person, no matter what. I know there are people who appreciate that. My family doesn’t because they aren’t honest
and they don’t like being caught in their bull shit. At some point, I think it’s better not to
catch them. I can float around in the
fog that is life, not knowing that every member of my family is in a constant
spiral of dishonesty. Is that
better? I think it must be.
Side note – Stef was considering drinking again with her
friend Alyssa when she’s in New York City next weekend. Like must be fucking hard when you have no
job and get to travel to NYC for the weekend.
She has this big come to Jesus with her therapist and my mom where she
decided she wasn’t going to drink. The
simple fact that it took serious consideration just makes me laugh. She can struggle with addiction and I’m fine
with that. I almost want to say I hope
she falls of the wagon again so they maybe snap out of their ridiculous
fog. But then again, why would she? She completely lives on them and a hard day
is spending $250.00 on 1 single pair of jeans.
I’m glad she enjoys her life.
I’ve been thinking about going to a counselor to have
someone to talk to about all of this stuff.
I know nothing is ever going to change and that I really need to learn
to accept it. But I think it might be
helpful to go and talk it out. If
anything, someone to tell me that these feelings I have are justified and
okay. That I don’t owe them anything and
that it’s okay to move on with my life.
I want to move to a foreign country where they won’t come visit. I hope they won’t, at least.
I need to get out this weekend. That’s for sure. I wish I had someplace to come home to that
was quiet so I didn’t have to deal with them.
But, alas, I do not. I might go
over to my aunt and uncles maybe. They
are pretty laid back and it might be nice to get away for a while. Unfortunately, I can’t go without Skoot. I wish she was with me right now so I could
take her with me. She’s such a good
pup. I know she tries so hard and I can’t
wait until she’s out of this unhealthy environment. I’m sure she’s unhappy knowing how unhappy I
am. She responds really sensitively when
she thinks that I’m upset. It’s really
adorable. She really is my pup. I hope she’s okay in Alaska. I have to send her up to Jeremy for a few
weeks until he moves down here because my Step Dad apparently can’t handle her
being at the house. It’s really
unfortunate because this whole thing is so stupid. I know Jeremy will take good care of her and
I just hope that she will be happy there.
It’s only for a short time and then she’ll be back with me. I’m nervous about her flying, for the first
time, by herself though. On the way
back, she will be with Jeremy on the plane.
I’m going to buy him a T-shirt that says it’s his girlfriend’s dog. I think it will be cute to see him and Skoot together. I’m sure she will warm up to him
eventually. It will suck to be away from
her for so long. But at the moment, it’s
what’s best for her because she’s not okay in the current environment. Understanding that makes it easier to deal
with being away from her. I feel like I’m
sending her away but I’m sending her to one of the only people I can trust to
take care of her. I just hope he doesn’t
get annoyed with her cuz I know she’s a pain.
She’s my little pain though J. It will seem
like she’s gone forever but then it will go by fast, I’m sure. I do wish I could take her up there so she
didn’t have to fly alone but I’ll sedate her.
Hopefully she won’t even wake up on the plane so she won’t know what
happened. That would be ideal!
In other news, Jeremy is moving down in January. Skoot will be back down then and will move
into my old apartment with him. Then he
will stay there until April with Skoot.
And then we all move into a house or condo together. I’m hoping we can find something a little
nicer than a shitty apartment but at the same time, we might save money being
in an apartment. They aren’t much less
expensive than a townhouse, for example, so I think that’s a better
option. We are also getting a 2 bedroom
so we can have some extra space to spread out.
I think it will be nice to have an office or just an escape pod for a
while. We also need to look at buying a
new car for him. Maybe new vehicles for
both of us? I really want a new car but
that can wait a while. My truck still
runs fine. If something goes wrong
though, it will be unfortunate. It would
just be very nice to have something a bit more fuel efficient.
Btw, I’m at work but there isn’t anything to do so I’m writing
because there is shit on my mind. I’m
definitely feeling better than I was before.
I think I just needed to get some complaining off the chest. Now back to “work”!
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