December 23

So I’m on the flight on the way to AK.  Of course, there is not internet access on the plane so I am writing this in Word;  A format that I can safely use to gush about what’s about to happen without the chance of the boy hearing about it before I get off this plane.  So, for those that pay attention to these sorts of things, it is December 23, 2011 at 5:20 p.m.  I am flying high above --- something --- right now on my way to Alaska to surprise Jeremy for Christmas.  It’s been soooo hard not to come pouring out my life to him about this whole secret.  I think it’s one of the good things in our relationship that I actually have a hard time keeping secrets from him.  I hope he’s the same.  I trust him though.   So yes, I am Jeremy’s Christmas present from his parents.  They bought me a ticket soon after I left in October and I’ve known ever since.  To my knowledge, Jeremy has no idea.  I think I’ve actually pulled this one off – I’ve been able to keep it a deep dark secret for weeks and now it’s almost a success.  The unfortunate part is that I also haven’t talked to him in over two days and I freekin miss him. I want to call him right now and talk for hours but I can’t. 

I’m also trying not to be the crazy girlfriend.  It annoys me that he hasn’t called me the last two nights when he’s finished working.  I just want him to check in.  At the same time, I know that he’s going to be coming home to me in a couple short weeks.  I plan to emphasize the importance of checking in when he’s driving on the freeway though.  (Note: I should buy him a Bluetooth.)  That might avoid a serious ticket when I want to be talking with him over his commute.  I’m so excited to have the stability of a relationship with someone I know I can trust, no matter what. 

So more to the present!  I am arriving in Anchorage around 7:15 p.m.  His parents are picking me up from the airport and then we’re going for food.  Hopefully it’s somewhere easy and cheap because, as we know, I don’t have an abundance of extra cash right now.   So anyway, they are picking me up at the airport and we’re apparently running by his work.  They are going to tell him that he has to come out to the car to pick up a box or something and guess who’s gonna be there? Me.  I can’t wait to see the look on his face.  I hope he’s half as excited as I am.  Although, I’m confident that he will be twice as excited as I could ever be, lol.  That is basically how our relationship works.  He’s wonderful.

So yea, flights are so boring.  I realized at the airport that I forgot my headphones so I’m dying of boredom right now and I have to listen to the whiny kids behind me.   I mean, don’t get me wrong, they’re cute and everything.  Well behaved for the most part but kids are just annoying to me right now.  Fair argument why I don’t have any and don’t have any interest in having them any time soon.   I am so happy with my skoot right now! A pup is all I need!

In other news, that is one exciting result of this trip.  I am bringing my pup back from Alaska with me.  I can’t wait to have her with me again.   I just want to hold her and hug her and my world will be complete again.  And I can’t wait to show her the new apartment.  I really think she’s going to love it.  The apartment is going to be a huge new world for her.  Our world.  Our little fambam…..

I’m just going to let that trail off for the night…. 

Vague

So I starting writing earlier today to catch up on the previous month where I've apparently been lagging... as you can see, it was never posted.  So let's recap:

Over the past month, there has been much excitement... right along side a bunch of dull shit.  How can those two happen together?  Let me explain.

So my mom is a super huge bitch.  This we have previously established in earlier blogs.  Well she took on such attitude and basically drove me through the floor.  I am happy to report that at the end of this month, I am not happily residing in my own apartment, once again.  And by mine, I mean Jeremy's but they are very similar.

More to the point.  I am on a mission right now to perfect a great Christmas surprise.  As it is the eleventh hour of said event, I can't disclose it yet.  But I will write about it soon.  Namely, after tonight when the plan comes out of the bag.  Or the cat... take your pick.  Moving on ----->

So I'm sitting in a crowded public place doing one of my favorite things. People watching.  And there are so many things that people do that amaze me everyday.  We have the awkward over weight woman wandering around, looking at people, but trying not to look like she's looking at people and generally working soo hard at what she's doing that it's hilariously transparent.  I have the pleasure of being seated next to some dude that either smokes way too many cigarettes or doesn't bathe.  Either way, it's nasty and I would prefer to be far away from him.  Unfortunately, we are sharing what appears to be the only power outlet in the area so that means we're stuck two seats away from each other for at least another 25 mins.  

I keep seeing people sit down and pull out their Ipads.  I get that they are the way of the future and yes, it would be nice to have one, but at the same time, I like having an actual keyboard to type on. I hate the touch screen keyboard on my phone so I really don't think I would deal with an Ipad well.  I just love my lappy. But, as always, to each their own.  

I'm just not entirely sure what to write about right now.  Perhaps that means I should call it and stop writing.

OMG, enter the 14 year old blond girl in ugg boots fulfilling every bitchy blonde stereotype as she works furiously to dispel such opinions. Love. It.  And with that, I close. Because there are few better notes on which to end a blog :-)

It's 4:37 a.m.

And I'm wondering what the hell I'm doing with my life.  I know that I've been doing way too much of that lately.  What do I want? What is there to want in life? First world problems, right? My biggest concern in my life right now is having my own apartment. It's interesting how something so small, it seems, can truly throw a huge curve ball in my life. Every time I find something that I think I really want, I fuck it up. Or it fucks itself up. But there's the questions, isn't it? Am I responsible for creating the problem that isn't really there? Or is there always just a problem that I'm able to see way too clearly?

Questions...

Life is about questioning every thing around you.  I think you need to make a choice and move forward no matter what the consequences.  There are consequences of every decision you will ever make. No matter how small. At the least, your consequence is what you lost by not choosing your given alternative.  But a person cannot live their life by alternatives. You can't have things both ways. You get one chance. Speaking of, Pandora is a dirty mistress of life. I'm sitting here, trying to figure out what to do and she plays "Ready to Love Again" by Lady Antabellum.  I could swear sometimes that God talks to me through a fuckin radio. There are so many times when I'm deep in thought or questioning something huge and I feel like the answer comes over the radio. Whether or not I listen to the song, I hear it. Maybe I need to go to church. Just sit there and think about it for a while and see what happens.

Fly away. Taking a leap of faith is what love is all about. Just deciding that you're going to dive, head first, into this crazy dream that some people spend their life dreaming about. I have spent my life dreaming about the opposite. A marriage for business. For insurance. A father to my kids. It's interesting that I've always envisioned having kids but never actually envisioned being married for love. But right now that feels like the answer but then I think I'm giving up something that I'm told to search for. I'm told to settle for nothing less. But does it really exist? Are we all sent searching for something that doesn't really exist? The answer is so individualized, though, that there is no way to answer it for sure.

My mom keeps asking if I'm in love. What is love? Everyone has their own definition of love, I think. That definition of love, individual to a particular person, is what gets us through each day. An endless series of relationships defined by a slight variation of love. You love your job, your car, your pet, your bed, your fireplace, your spouse. You love everything in a different way and if you don't love something, you toss it out. And endless cycle of love and hate. So is there an answer to the question of whether I'm in love? I don't think so. I think I've grown to become far too logical for something like love. Or maybe I'm jaded. Maybe this isn't love. God only knows. I hope he knows. Somebody's got to, I guess. But at the end of the day, I think this is something I want. On paper it's a good choice.

Every thing in life needs a plan. We live by a calendar of events watch each hour of the day tick by slowly but surly. Moving forward, making choices. We will see what happens. That's all we can do. Just sit back and wait for the next opportunity to choose. Move forward, never look back.

"Verbal" Vomit

Why is it always the case that unhappy people want to make others unhappy? Misery loves company, I guess.  I just don’t understand it.  I find joy in other people’s joy.  Sure, I find sorrow in their heart break too but at the end of the day, I lay my head down a happy person.  I’m happy with where my life is right now.  I’m happy with how I look, my job, my relationship, etc.  So why does my mother force herself upon me to ensure that all the things that make me happy seem not to matter?  She constantly insults everyone and everything around her and it makes me sad to be around her.  She is very unhappy and it’s not my job to fix it.  I guess it’s a good thing that I don’t feel responsible for it.  It’s not my fault.  I’d like to blame my sister but she just manipulates everyone around her.  I guess isn’t comforting that I know I’m an honest person, no matter what.  I know there are people who appreciate that.  My family doesn’t because they aren’t honest and they don’t like being caught in their bull shit.  At some point, I think it’s better not to catch them.  I can float around in the fog that is life, not knowing that every member of my family is in a constant spiral of dishonesty.  Is that better?  I think it must be. 

Side note – Stef was considering drinking again with her friend Alyssa when she’s in New York City next weekend.  Like must be fucking hard when you have no job and get to travel to NYC for the weekend.  She has this big come to Jesus with her therapist and my mom where she decided she wasn’t going to drink.  The simple fact that it took serious consideration just makes me laugh.  She can struggle with addiction and I’m fine with that.  I almost want to say I hope she falls of the wagon again so they maybe snap out of their ridiculous fog.  But then again, why would she?  She completely lives on them and a hard day is spending $250.00 on 1 single pair of jeans.  I’m glad she enjoys her life. 

I’ve been thinking about going to a counselor to have someone to talk to about all of this stuff.  I know nothing is ever going to change and that I really need to learn to accept it.  But I think it might be helpful to go and talk it out.  If anything, someone to tell me that these feelings I have are justified and okay.  That I don’t owe them anything and that it’s okay to move on with my life.  I want to move to a foreign country where they won’t come visit.  I hope they won’t, at least.

I need to get out this weekend.  That’s for sure.  I wish I had someplace to come home to that was quiet so I didn’t have to deal with them.  But, alas, I do not.  I might go over to my aunt and uncles maybe.  They are pretty laid back and it might be nice to get away for a while.  Unfortunately, I can’t go without Skoot.  I wish she was with me right now so I could take her with me.  She’s such a good pup.  I know she tries so hard and I can’t wait until she’s out of this unhealthy environment.  I’m sure she’s unhappy knowing how unhappy I am.  She responds really sensitively when she thinks that I’m upset.  It’s really adorable.  She really is my pup.  I hope she’s okay in Alaska.  I have to send her up to Jeremy for a few weeks until he moves down here because my Step Dad apparently can’t handle her being at the house.  It’s really unfortunate because this whole thing is so stupid.  I know Jeremy will take good care of her and I just hope that she will be happy there.  It’s only for a short time and then she’ll be back with me.  I’m nervous about her flying, for the first time, by herself though.  On the way back, she will be with Jeremy on the plane.  I’m going to buy him a T-shirt that says it’s his girlfriend’s dog.  I think it will be cute to see him and Skoot together.  I’m sure she will warm up to him eventually.  It will suck to be away from her for so long.  But at the moment, it’s what’s best for her because she’s not okay in the current environment.  Understanding that makes it easier to deal with being away from her.  I feel like I’m sending her away but I’m sending her to one of the only people I can trust to take care of her.  I just hope he doesn’t get annoyed with her cuz I know she’s a pain.  She’s my little pain though J.  It will seem like she’s gone forever but then it will go by fast, I’m sure.  I do wish I could take her up there so she didn’t have to fly alone but I’ll sedate her.  Hopefully she won’t even wake up on the plane so she won’t know what happened.  That would be ideal!

In other news, Jeremy is moving down in January.  Skoot will be back down then and will move into my old apartment with him.  Then he will stay there until April with Skoot.  And then we all move into a house or condo together.  I’m hoping we can find something a little nicer than a shitty apartment but at the same time, we might save money being in an apartment.  They aren’t much less expensive than a townhouse, for example, so I think that’s a better option.  We are also getting a 2 bedroom so we can have some extra space to spread out.  I think it will be nice to have an office or just an escape pod for a while.  We also need to look at buying a new car for him.  Maybe new vehicles for both of us?  I really want a new car but that can wait a while.  My truck still runs fine.  If something goes wrong though, it will be unfortunate.  It would just be very nice to have something a bit more fuel efficient. 

Btw, I’m at work but there isn’t anything to do so I’m writing because there is shit on my mind.  I’m definitely feeling better than I was before.  I think I just needed to get some complaining off the chest.  Now back to “work”! 

Refocus

It's been two weeks since I came back from Alaska and I've finally realized why I'm so unsure about everything.  First of all, I've been planning a wedding that is so far in the future, it's crazy to think about.  Any girl enjoys her wedding planning.  All girls like to dream about that one special day that they've seen in the movies hundreds of times.  Who will be their prince at the end of the aisle?  But in reality we're searching for that one person that might be able to deal with us for a few years.  That's what America's been reduced to, isn't it?  Temporary marriage with the first person that comes along until we decide to change our mind and move on with life, find the next person that we might be able to spend a few years with.  Is this any different? Hell if I know but we will find out.
Thank you Trevor, btw, for getting me to put two spaces between periods.  I was, at one point, against that because it's more work, lol, but it's good.  It does look sharp :-).
The thing that I have realized is that it's only been two freekin weeks.  I need to take a serious step back and start planning where we are going to live in Olympia before I start planning out wedding ceremony.  On that note though, I think we should do a destination wedding.  Just peace out.  This is, of course, about us and no one else.  Maybe I'll employ Brianna and my sister to plan a wonderful reception for our return from Iceland or something.  Now there's an idea.  And we don't have to worry about my crazy family because it will be over.  But I'm not planning this right now, remember? Focus.  Where we are going to live is a serious question right now because I don't know much of anything about Olympia.  But we are going to learn!

So now we sit down and look at what is before us on a much smaller scale.  We focus on preparations for Jeremy to move down here.  We focus on finding place to live for our little family as it stands today.  Me. Jeremy.  And skoot.  There are some awesome duplex's available with yards for little Belle to run around in.  I want something like that.  A duplex where we can have some animals and enjoy our time together.  That sounds like a good time.  So that's what we're working on.  Focus.

Philosophy

So I was going to write this as a comment to someone else's blog but it seems more fitting as a post on my own. And I know they will read it here too :-)

I think my favorite part about this blog thing is that we are talking to people who aren't really there, lol. Who are we writing to, anyway? Who is expected to read this stuff? What's interesting is that it's posted on the internet so it's basically saved in the public world for centuries. It's kinna kool to think that I might be able to go back and find this stuff in ten or twenty more years and read all about how things were. Now there's another interesting concept - time. It feels like a year is sooo far ahead of us but when you look back, things that happened years ago feel like they were just yesterday. Memories are kool like that, I guess. You have things that happen and they stay cemented in the reality of our mind forever. Do we really ever forget something? I don't think so. I think the information just wanders off in our brain for a while and then comes back eventually.

Clearly I've had too much down time today because I'm started getting into such deep thoughts as this. It is interesting though. Sometimes it's hard to think about the future. It seems so bright sometimes and others, it's as dreary as a rainy day. I hate rainy days. All rainy days just suck.

In other news, what's important to remember is that everyone is just another player in the game of life. There are big players and little players but they are all interconnected somehow. I used a story today about Jeremy to help my sister resolve her issues with stupid boy. Stupid boy's name is a fact that continues to escape me. It doesn't matter though. The point is that I referred to an event that happened while I was in AK - my friend Dave came over to visit and was at Jeremy's house. His room mates were all offended and upset that I had another guy over at his house etc but he didn't care at all. That's one of the huge important details of our relationship - we are secure. I don't find myself worrying about him being out with other girls or whatever. Granted, now that we're actually together, I probably won't be makin out on the couch with my first boyfriend but ... yea, we all know I'm a terrible person. Stop judging me.

Anyway, I'm excited to see what might happen in the next couple months. It will definitely be life changing no matter what happens. I hope I'm making the right decision because, well, someone's about to give up a lot for me. I'm so sure about this though. I just always doubt that I can be happy no matter what's in front of me. All the pieces are there. I just have to accept it. I feel like a counselor might be required to dive into this issue a bit farther. Am I holding myself back or is there a genuine tangible reason to be emotionally reserved at this point?

Hmmmm.....

Dreaming or Planning?

Because I have nothing else to do at work today... since my boss hasn't come in yet, I'm planning wedding ideas --

I read online that you can get a hard wood floor for your outdoor wedding tent and that's the recommendation if it's going to be wet or something. Totally going with it! I was thinking about the options for having the ceremony and reception at the homer house and making the tent the location for both events but I'm not sure that's do-able. I like the idea of having the reception in Anchorage but I can't figure out where. Again, tons of time. The logistics are evil though -- ceremony in Homer and then drive to Anchorage for the reception? Is that crazy? I feel like this is crazy. 

At the same time, I think it would be kool to have a few hours after the ceremony in a car with Jeremy to let it all soak in. So, say we have a morning wedding around 10 or 11, then start the drive. We can have everything in the car to change (if we want to) on the drive back to anchorage and just relax for a couple hours. I think it would be kinna kool. Unfortunately,  I think it would mean that the wedding party would go back to Homer then to clean up but maybe my family could hire a clean up crew. My grandma would probably stay at the house to make sure everything's back together but that wouldn't be the end of the world. How much reception is she going to be up for anyway? I think she'd just enjoy the ceremony. I dunno. I would have to talk to the family I guess about their opinion on logistics because I wouldn't want them all stuck at the homer house while I'm in Anchorage at the reception. They kinna need to be there too. I do really like the idea of not going straight from the ceremony to the reception though because it gives a little break in the day. And it gives me the opportunity to relax, take a nap or something if I'm super frazzled. I will calm down a big, I'm sure. And it also makes the day longer, though so it's more fun. That's my idea anyway. I'm so excited about this whole plan. 

Granted, this whole plan does totally put the cart before the horse. I feel like we need to live together for a while. And I know that 2014 gives us lots of time to do that but there's still something holding me back. Perhaps, of course, it's simply that he isn't down here yet. I think that will help me feel a lot better about this whole plan. For now, it's fun to dream. Although, this is more than a dream. It's planning! 

More on this later... I'm sure.