October 22, 2011

So... I woke up this morning at like 6am and Jeremy's awake... No big surprise. I ask him what's wrong, if something's bothering him, he says he's got stuff on his mind. I turn over and face away from him... he says, "Erika, Will you marry me?"

Excuse me? What?

I said yes. At 6am. Hella groggy. That's my happy ending, dream proposal, lol. I do feel it's rather typical for me. Something I would do. Fuck it, git 'er done.

He did propose again outside the airport before he dropped me off, which was very sweet. I had to fight back some tears. Now it just makes me smile... Or does it? Why don't I feel better about this? Why don't I want to run through the airport and scream from the roof tops that this is the best news ever. I got caught up in the moment. I could never say no to something like that. It just isn't something I can do. I have so much going for me in Washington. I am happy there. And it didn't take long for the moment to fade out. For me to come back to reality and wonder what the hell I'm doing. Helps that my sister laughed when I asked her about it. She doesn't even know who he is. And she's right. Is she right? Or am I pushing him away? Brianna might know more. I'm anxious to hear what she says. Am I scared? Maybe I should just give this a few months. This is crazy.

Alaska

So it's normal for me to have sooo much going on that I forget what all there is to write about when I actually have time to sit down and write. For one thing, Alaska just brings out the ugly in people. The weather is unpleasant at best, my family are all full of self-centered people who are completely focused on their on lives and don't give two shits about anyone else. Perfect example just happened -- The nanny is trying to help my aunt read the measurements from her drains after surgery and Sophie decides she needs Chrissy's attention so she sits and calls Chrissy over and over and over until she answers. She's in the same room and clearly understands that Chrissy is in the middle of helping her mom but even the fourteen year old is selfish enough to demand attention like a three year old toddler until she gets the aforementioned attention. WTF is up with that noise? I just don't understand how anyone could act like that. I would have been smacked a good one upside the dome for acting like that. Patience is non-existant in this house. It just makes it sooo hard to sit here and listen to these people and their crazy annoying self centered lives. I am reminding myself to stay focused on the point - Aunt Gerianne needs help. It's clear that no one here is willing to help her consistently so someone's gotta do it. I'm glad that I can be the one to help. I prepared her dinner again, for Aunt G and Henry. A friend brought over amazing cheesy chicken soup, home made rolls, and the delicious spinach, strawberry, and banana salad. So I put the salad together, warmed up the soup, and got it all plated and served. Happy little hostess that I am, lol. I also worked on  a chart of her medications so she can track which ones she's supposed to take everyday. I need to print it out for her so that's a project for tomorrow. I will probably have to ask Jeremy to help me with that project.

In other news, Jeremy's mamma (Michelle) and I are going to a hockey game on Thursday. Should be good bonding time. (Future mother-in-law bonding? Scary thought.) I'm excited for the game though because I've not been to an Aces game before. Which reminds me that I've also not been to a Sounders game. I need to work on that. Small goals, right Bri? :-)

Had another fight with Grandma today. I have no ability to keep my mouth shut when I'm talking to her. I think it's the only remaining outlet for my aggression towards my Dad. He's still completely impossible to understand. I guess I'm glad he's happy with Vicki but I will never understand how he can walk away from his kids and just pretend we barely exist. We are only around when it's convenient for him or socially required. It's hard to feel like your own biological father is only willing to be Dad when it fits into his busy schedule. Another reason why Dennis is such a good guy - we're not his kids but there is never a feeling of being annoying or inconvenient. We are all a family and sometimes you need to sacrifice yourself to help family here and there. Being up in Alaska has reminded me again that it is not a good place for the future. There is no future here. It's returning to the same shit I left 5 years ago. I miss it when I'm away but man, I can't imagine living here again. Sure, plenty of people would be excited and it would be fun for a while but it gets old very quickly. So yea, that's the decision of the day.

Regarding the fight with Anne that I'm pretty sure I wrote about, I am putting aside my bull with her to take care and focus on Aunt Gerianne. There's my personal sacrifice for family - dealing with their bull shit with a smile on my face so I can help Gerianne. She does so much for me and she works so hard. John came home and didn't even say hi to her. Promise to myself - I will never have a husband that doesn't say hello when he comes in the door. I want one that will drop his shit, walk over, and kiss me when he walks in the door. Especially if I am stuck in a chair right after surgery or worse - cancer treatment. I want a husband that will sit by my side through every single chemo treatment, every minute of hospital visits, and just be there for me. At the same time, I understand that he works and makes money to support the whole family and that's important but I just feel like it's not too much to ask for a simple few moments of attention when he gets home.

Computer battery is dying so I'm gonna wander off... More later ...

A seat by the fire

What an awesome night. I'm sitting with Jeremy's parents, watching football, and we're all playing on Facebook. I can't image a more pleasurable evening! Great dinner (Thank you Michelle!) and a really nice, comfortable evening. Being home has definitely reminded me of one of the negative things about my family -- there are so many expectations that you can't just sit around on Sunday evening and enjoy yourself. Sitting on your computer, talking to friends, and just enjoying yourself wouldn't be acceptable. And that's not acceptable to me. I really enjoy his family. Maybe they will be my family some day... I think we are both going to stress ourselves out if we continue to try to plan for something we're soooooo far away from even being able to talk about. We just need to sit back and keep riding the wave for a while before we make any changes. I think it's important to remember that. Did I mention that Jeremy built me a fire to sit in front of? Amazing!

What a day. So I had a huge argument with Annie last night. She can really say some mean things if she's upset about something. What a spoiled family. I just hope they don't learn their lessons too terribly hard. But I know it will be hard as time goes on. I don't feel like there's anything I can do to help them. And I can accept that. I will be here for anything I can do. If they reach out to me, I will be there. Sophie is upset that I had a fight with Annie so she's not talking to me. I think that's really unfortunate. But I will admit that I don't feel like I have anything to apologize for. I am upset that I didn't get to see Gerianne today and care for her. She is the only person that really matters in this situation. I am planning to call her in the morning, after the kids leave for school, and see if I can come over and hang out with her for the day. I'm very curious to hear what Annie said about the whole situation. I love Gerianne and I hope this doesn't negatively affect my relationship with her. Unfortunately, there's not a lot of competition to be had with lies from Annie. That's just the way it goes though. It will catch up with her eventually and I can't wait for that day. It's sad to say but true.

Anyway, I'm simply amazing with how comfortable I feel here. Beautiful house and wonderful people. Home? We will see... :-)

More to say...

So there's a whole lot more for me to write tonight. Shit with my grandma is ridiculous. I don't even want to write about what happened because there's just no point. I appreciate Brianna for listening to it today. And every day. There are certainly members of my family that are so wrapped up in their own shit it shocks the consciousness. I mean, after years of the same thing, you would think that I'd get over it eventually... you'd be wrong. It still surprises me every time. I think, maybe because my family in Olympia is so much different that I maintain hope that my Alaskan family will start exhibiting similar behavior. Don't hold your breath for that!

Anyway I'm tired of writing...

I wrote this sometime in September but just realized it was never posted. So here ya go...

Hi world, how ya doin today?

Friday has been quite an exciting day since I have 3 interviews scheduled for next week. All before noon. I might not hate mornings after this, lol! I had to go to Nelson & Carver today to pick up my new paycheck and realized upon entering the door that I really don't freekin like that place. I am sooo glad I'm out of there. Best decision ever!

If anyone has a question, Daniel Tosh is fuckin hilarious. I highly recommend you watch him. Go. Do it.

He's talking about skanks. Let's discuss this as well -- Dear Alaskan chic that's using my best friend - Fuck off. I'm not sure I want to elaborate on that right now but note that for later.

I dunno... sometimes I think he's gotta be listening...

So I'm laying in my cousins bed in Alaska, watching Gnomeo and Juliet and thinking about things. This is an awesome movie! I definitely love this movie. It reminds me of Matt, since it's the last movie we saw together but it's still a good movie. I remember sitting in the movie and hoping that I might find something like their romance. I guess I saw similarities to the love at first sight thing between me and Matt. I remember seeing him long ago and thinking about how cute he was. I wish, in some ways, that things had worked out differently between us. I should have waited longer to move to Washington and made some better decisions in our relationship. I have an overwhelming memory of being so unhappy back then though. I was trying to make things work and find a way to be happy but I was just never able to. It's not his fault. It is just how things happened. But that's not worth the time wasted in thinking about it anymore.

In other news, I'm mustering all the strength possible for tomorrow so I can stay strong for my little cousins tomorrow. Aunt G is going in for surgery tomorrow morning so we have to think positive thoughts. It's clear that the kids don't quite understand the severity of the situation. Which is fine. There's no reason so scare them unnecessarily. I have decided that I will spend the day with them. We're going to decorate Aunt G's space tomorrow so she can see how much love we have for her. I'm excited to do it! I hope tomorrow morning comes quickly. I am excited for the surgery because I want it to be over for her. Another step on the road to wellness. To this whole cancer thing being the past.

My cousin Bean (Kaiya) would like to have a shout out. So here it is. :-).

Now there's a reason to never look back. Cancer. Such a word has no true meaning until you are watching one of your treasured loved ones endure it's hardened blows. Chemo. Surgery. Radiation. They're just words without true meaning they are the only things that will save your life. Thank god for modern medicine! Thank god for the fact that we can stand up and fight back. It's a small step towards a greater tomorrow, for sure.

A greater tomorrow. I got a job today! I am working for the Swanson Law Firm in Olympia, WA. I am soooo excited because the attorneys are great. They originally offered a part time position and I was skeptical about being able to take it but today they offered me full time, benefits, and a salary of $30K! Absolutely everything I could ever dream of.  I am so freekin happy! Just wonderful! So I start work on October 24. Not too bad to have spent just over a month actually unemployed. And with the extra money of living at my mom's house, I can actually make some serious payments on my student loans so I won't be behind on them after all. I've decided that this job, Brianna being pregnant, and my aunt's surgery going super smooth are my three wishes for this year. I'm sure everything will go well because things have a way of working out in the end. And that's something I am truly thankful for.

Anyway, tonight, we pray.

Wrote this on the plane

I have an entire row to myself on the plane. It’s awesome. I have all the space in the world to stretch etc. It’s nice to have some room to think. Airplanes are nice. It’s just time for myself where no one can get to me, even if they wanted to. For three and a half hours, there is no possible way for anyone to get to me. I think it’s the freedom of being disconnected from the world, for only a short time that takes some stress off right now.

When Chris dropped me off, he asked if I would call or text him sometimes. This is the first time ever that I’m consciously making a decision to do something like this. The fact that I feel a bit guilty about it means that it’s not the right thing to do. But as always, I need to get this done so I can understand my emotions with Jeremy. Do I have feelings for Jeremy? Do I love that he loves me? I wish I could read it on a billboard in the morning. Just a simple black and white message telling me how I felt about whatever was coming up that day. I want to be wrapped up in his arms and see how I feel. It’s been so long since I felt that spark of my heart beating when someone’s arms are around me. I would love to feel that again. That being said, there’s always that age old ring finger guy that can make… I don’t wanna talk about it.

I’ve forgotten how much I love Sophie Ellis Bextor. I need to remember to write to Tristan and say hello. It’s been a while since we’ve talked. Now there’s a situation for the record books. It wasn’t meant to be I guess. I wonder if I’ll ever see him again and what will happen. I just think it would be interested to see how he’s doing. He was fun. The forbidden relationship was super fun.

Use it as a bookmark

Today will be an interesting day, for sure. I'm not sure what to expect out of a trip to Alaska, I think it makes me more nervous than I care to admit. There's a flight leaving an hour earlier and that would mean one less hour sitting in Seattle but I'm scared to board. I'm going to sit here and calm down for an hour before I brave such a trip. I'm sure everything will be fine but I just... can't....

Gma... omfg my grandma. So I made plans with the cousins to be there with him on Friday, hangin out, doing whatever needs to be done. Positive reinforcement. The kicker is that their mom is having surgery on Friday morning, double mastectomy (sp?), the next step in her breast cancer treatment. Am I the only one that understands this? I can't imagine that I'm the only person on this side of the family that gets that 4 small kids are dealing with the mother going through cancer treatment. I'm pretty sure if my mom had been going through something like this when I was in high school, I might have just died. I doubt I could ever be strong enough to go through something like that. It's inspiring how strong they are. They are always smiling when we chat on skype. I hope that my family will be that happy some day. Family... now there's a subject up for debate right now... Anyway, back to the grandma story -- so she calls me on Monday night when I'm 2 beers deep and out with my friends at a bar to say that she got tickets to some broadway show on Friday night and really wants me to be there. So I told her I had plans etc and needed to talk to Gerianne and the kids about the schedule of events for Friday. She f*in calls Gerianne to tell her that I have something else to do and ask Gann if she really needs me to be there on Friday. Disrespectful anyone? I don't understand why she does things like that after years of being gone, moved away, etc. She still treats me like I'm 12. Just to frost her ass, I'm probably not going to make it to the show. We will see. What the fuck would I do if something happened and those kids were alone? I dunno... Am I being unreasonable here? I think it's absolute shit.

Sometimes I just want to scream when my family starts pulling such shit like this. It makes for a horrible day, no matter what because it just doesn't make sense. That's the key though, isn't it. I have to learn to accept them the way they are and accept that they are never going to change. I need to change my perspective on the situation. But is that even worth it? What do I serve to gain from better relationships with them? I keep asking that question but nothing ever comes to mind... I dunno... I'm leaning towards that being an answer. There isn't anything to gain. Everything I've done to this point has been independent of their support. There are always reasons to be successful without them though. I guess we will see as I grow up a bit more. I really can't wait to have my own family. I will have a husband that will be proud of my accomplishments, no matter how big or small. Chris is like that right now. He's been great support through quitting my job. Just to have someone who will still laugh and have fun with me is everything right now. All is not lost! We will see what happens though. Deployment will be hard for me to wait through. I guess we will see where our relationship ends up in April...

It's foggy and gross outside this morning. Perhaps that's why I'm not feeling the greatest. However, considering what happened yesterday, I feel wonderful. I was expecting this whole thing to be much much worse and I really can't complain at all. I think this is definitely one of the best decisions I've made lately. Excellent!

Makin up for a lost week

I feel like a broken record when I say that it’s funny how the world turns. It’s interesting how things come together sometimes. I sent in two resumes today and got a call from both of them to schedule interviews next week. Of course, I will be in Alaska caring for Aunt G next week so I will get back in touch with these job opportunities when I return from AK. I’m thoroughly entertained by how that happened though. I was a call from each other them within an hour of sending in my cover letter and resume. I guess it does say good things about my qualifications though – I either get a super quick response and they can’t wait to have me in or I hear nothing at all. That is how things go sometimes though, isn’t it. There are some things that just work out and some that don’t.

It’s amazing that I can sit in my car in the middle of random downtown Olympia and access the internet on my cell phone. I can connect my laptop to my cell and surf facebook with great speed. It makes me wonder what will happen in the next ten years. We will have contacts for cell phones and be able to see video of the person we’re talking to. It seems creepy sometimes how connected the world is. On the positive side, people who are thousands of miles away are able to chat like they’re in the same room. You never are very far apart. As with anything in life, there are positives and negatives with the connected world today.

Jason Aldean, Dirt Road Anthem. TYVM.

So I’m going up to Alaska tomorrow. I ruined the surprise to Jeremy. No surprise to me because I do things like that all the time. It’s super hard for me to keep something like that under wraps because, as it happened in this case, I don’t listen to what I’m saying and I just let it pour out in the middle of another story. I don’t know whether I’m excited to go to Alaska or scared beyond life. Dad and Grandma are already up to their old tricks – Gma called Aunt G to cancel the plans I had with the cousins so I could attend some Broadway thing she bought tickets to. Bullshit? I think so but it’s how she works. I am excited to house sit for Jonathon though – I wish I stayed in better touch with him but he’s always working so hard. Inspiring. If anything, I know I will come back from Alaska understanding that I cannot be up there for long. Nice to visit, not to live.

Speaking of… we repeat the same old path that has become a recurring and predictable pattern for me. I have been talking to Jeremy about how much we love each other and could work together and guess what – I’m scared. I’m nervous. I don’t want to see him because I’m afraid of what might happen. However, vacation time in Alaska will definitely lend itself towards making me want to stay. But Alaska is not for me. It never will be again. Alaska is where I once lived, where I grew up and where I left and never looked back. That’s always been a motto of mine – never look back, never surrender. So why is there a giant rear view mirror in front of me? That past is the past. Hakuna Matata. God I love the Lion King. I can’t wait to buy it on DVD so I can watch it all the freekin time. Maybe I’ll get it for my trip to AK tomorrow. It would be nice to have something to watch on the airplane.

This blog is all over the place, something similar to what’s in  my head right now. I am on the right path to getting things figured out once again though. I got my IUD today. That will take some stress off for the next 5 years. I can do whatever I want, lol! I kinna wish I had considered this option sooner because I think it would have saved me some grief in the past. However, I guess the cost has always held me back. I look at this as a step in the direction of getting better with my responsibility. Getting back on my feet, as it were.

I moved into my parents house this weekend. That is an experience. It’s nice to have a roof that I’m not freakin about paying for next month but at the same time, there is a big part of me that hates the idea of living in my parent’s house. I am soooooooo glad I have my own bed though. We had a big blow out about moving into Stef’s room and the decision was made that I was going to move my furniture into the other room and thank god for that. I don’t want the lime green wall, for one thing. That’s her thing. I get my amazing bed, purple dresser, etc. I get the room set up for the most part today except none of my clothes are put away. When I get home, I need to pack for AK so I’ll put my clothes away at the same time.

This will be the first time I’ll be away from Annabelle for over a weekend. I’m sure she will be okay at my mom’s house but I’m nervous at the same time. I really can’t imagine life without her. Right now, she’s laying under my sweatshirt taking a nap and it’s so nice to have a friend that will hang out with me anytime. Sometimes, I wonder if my friends even like hangin out with me. Seriously, my mock trial team is planning another reunion but they haven’t invited me to it. I just saw the posts on FB. The last time we planned one, no one came except Normina. She’s a good person. I love that girl. I dunno, I have hundreds of friends so I don’t really care if my mockers are too caught up in whatever happened years ago. And… whatever I Might have done that no one ever talked to me about. I’ve always been told that I’m one of the most approachable people because I take anything seriously and I will always respond to the smallest request but mock and my job and N&C are the first time I’ve heard differently. Maybe these Washington people just aren’t the right people for me to be around. I need to move to the city or something where there’s too much going on for people to be caught up in bullshit like that. I think that’s the problem with small towns, people have nothing else to do but get caught up in each others bullshit and create problems out of nothing so they have something to do. Stupid.

This is long. Sorry. But it makes up for the time I haven’t had in the last couple days. By this time tomorrow, I’ll be home again, in AK. I guess we will see if I find home there. I doubt it. 

The fact that I can watch youtube videos from my phone internet in the car on my laptop blows my mind. More on this later because I don't know what else to write about and I just wanna watch stupid videos. 

http://youtu.be/vIk25NlP3o8     AND      http://youtu.be/wyx6JDQCslE. 

Don't try to tell you these don't make you laugh. Cuz you're lying. And lying is dumb. Don't be dumb. XO!