December 23

So I’m on the flight on the way to AK.  Of course, there is not internet access on the plane so I am writing this in Word;  A format that I can safely use to gush about what’s about to happen without the chance of the boy hearing about it before I get off this plane.  So, for those that pay attention to these sorts of things, it is December 23, 2011 at 5:20 p.m.  I am flying high above --- something --- right now on my way to Alaska to surprise Jeremy for Christmas.  It’s been soooo hard not to come pouring out my life to him about this whole secret.  I think it’s one of the good things in our relationship that I actually have a hard time keeping secrets from him.  I hope he’s the same.  I trust him though.   So yes, I am Jeremy’s Christmas present from his parents.  They bought me a ticket soon after I left in October and I’ve known ever since.  To my knowledge, Jeremy has no idea.  I think I’ve actually pulled this one off – I’ve been able to keep it a deep dark secret for weeks and now it’s almost a success.  The unfortunate part is that I also haven’t talked to him in over two days and I freekin miss him. I want to call him right now and talk for hours but I can’t. 

I’m also trying not to be the crazy girlfriend.  It annoys me that he hasn’t called me the last two nights when he’s finished working.  I just want him to check in.  At the same time, I know that he’s going to be coming home to me in a couple short weeks.  I plan to emphasize the importance of checking in when he’s driving on the freeway though.  (Note: I should buy him a Bluetooth.)  That might avoid a serious ticket when I want to be talking with him over his commute.  I’m so excited to have the stability of a relationship with someone I know I can trust, no matter what. 

So more to the present!  I am arriving in Anchorage around 7:15 p.m.  His parents are picking me up from the airport and then we’re going for food.  Hopefully it’s somewhere easy and cheap because, as we know, I don’t have an abundance of extra cash right now.   So anyway, they are picking me up at the airport and we’re apparently running by his work.  They are going to tell him that he has to come out to the car to pick up a box or something and guess who’s gonna be there? Me.  I can’t wait to see the look on his face.  I hope he’s half as excited as I am.  Although, I’m confident that he will be twice as excited as I could ever be, lol.  That is basically how our relationship works.  He’s wonderful.

So yea, flights are so boring.  I realized at the airport that I forgot my headphones so I’m dying of boredom right now and I have to listen to the whiny kids behind me.   I mean, don’t get me wrong, they’re cute and everything.  Well behaved for the most part but kids are just annoying to me right now.  Fair argument why I don’t have any and don’t have any interest in having them any time soon.   I am so happy with my skoot right now! A pup is all I need!

In other news, that is one exciting result of this trip.  I am bringing my pup back from Alaska with me.  I can’t wait to have her with me again.   I just want to hold her and hug her and my world will be complete again.  And I can’t wait to show her the new apartment.  I really think she’s going to love it.  The apartment is going to be a huge new world for her.  Our world.  Our little fambam…..

I’m just going to let that trail off for the night…. 

Vague

So I starting writing earlier today to catch up on the previous month where I've apparently been lagging... as you can see, it was never posted.  So let's recap:

Over the past month, there has been much excitement... right along side a bunch of dull shit.  How can those two happen together?  Let me explain.

So my mom is a super huge bitch.  This we have previously established in earlier blogs.  Well she took on such attitude and basically drove me through the floor.  I am happy to report that at the end of this month, I am not happily residing in my own apartment, once again.  And by mine, I mean Jeremy's but they are very similar.

More to the point.  I am on a mission right now to perfect a great Christmas surprise.  As it is the eleventh hour of said event, I can't disclose it yet.  But I will write about it soon.  Namely, after tonight when the plan comes out of the bag.  Or the cat... take your pick.  Moving on ----->

So I'm sitting in a crowded public place doing one of my favorite things. People watching.  And there are so many things that people do that amaze me everyday.  We have the awkward over weight woman wandering around, looking at people, but trying not to look like she's looking at people and generally working soo hard at what she's doing that it's hilariously transparent.  I have the pleasure of being seated next to some dude that either smokes way too many cigarettes or doesn't bathe.  Either way, it's nasty and I would prefer to be far away from him.  Unfortunately, we are sharing what appears to be the only power outlet in the area so that means we're stuck two seats away from each other for at least another 25 mins.  

I keep seeing people sit down and pull out their Ipads.  I get that they are the way of the future and yes, it would be nice to have one, but at the same time, I like having an actual keyboard to type on. I hate the touch screen keyboard on my phone so I really don't think I would deal with an Ipad well.  I just love my lappy. But, as always, to each their own.  

I'm just not entirely sure what to write about right now.  Perhaps that means I should call it and stop writing.

OMG, enter the 14 year old blond girl in ugg boots fulfilling every bitchy blonde stereotype as she works furiously to dispel such opinions. Love. It.  And with that, I close. Because there are few better notes on which to end a blog :-)

It's 4:37 a.m.

And I'm wondering what the hell I'm doing with my life.  I know that I've been doing way too much of that lately.  What do I want? What is there to want in life? First world problems, right? My biggest concern in my life right now is having my own apartment. It's interesting how something so small, it seems, can truly throw a huge curve ball in my life. Every time I find something that I think I really want, I fuck it up. Or it fucks itself up. But there's the questions, isn't it? Am I responsible for creating the problem that isn't really there? Or is there always just a problem that I'm able to see way too clearly?

Questions...

Life is about questioning every thing around you.  I think you need to make a choice and move forward no matter what the consequences.  There are consequences of every decision you will ever make. No matter how small. At the least, your consequence is what you lost by not choosing your given alternative.  But a person cannot live their life by alternatives. You can't have things both ways. You get one chance. Speaking of, Pandora is a dirty mistress of life. I'm sitting here, trying to figure out what to do and she plays "Ready to Love Again" by Lady Antabellum.  I could swear sometimes that God talks to me through a fuckin radio. There are so many times when I'm deep in thought or questioning something huge and I feel like the answer comes over the radio. Whether or not I listen to the song, I hear it. Maybe I need to go to church. Just sit there and think about it for a while and see what happens.

Fly away. Taking a leap of faith is what love is all about. Just deciding that you're going to dive, head first, into this crazy dream that some people spend their life dreaming about. I have spent my life dreaming about the opposite. A marriage for business. For insurance. A father to my kids. It's interesting that I've always envisioned having kids but never actually envisioned being married for love. But right now that feels like the answer but then I think I'm giving up something that I'm told to search for. I'm told to settle for nothing less. But does it really exist? Are we all sent searching for something that doesn't really exist? The answer is so individualized, though, that there is no way to answer it for sure.

My mom keeps asking if I'm in love. What is love? Everyone has their own definition of love, I think. That definition of love, individual to a particular person, is what gets us through each day. An endless series of relationships defined by a slight variation of love. You love your job, your car, your pet, your bed, your fireplace, your spouse. You love everything in a different way and if you don't love something, you toss it out. And endless cycle of love and hate. So is there an answer to the question of whether I'm in love? I don't think so. I think I've grown to become far too logical for something like love. Or maybe I'm jaded. Maybe this isn't love. God only knows. I hope he knows. Somebody's got to, I guess. But at the end of the day, I think this is something I want. On paper it's a good choice.

Every thing in life needs a plan. We live by a calendar of events watch each hour of the day tick by slowly but surly. Moving forward, making choices. We will see what happens. That's all we can do. Just sit back and wait for the next opportunity to choose. Move forward, never look back.

"Verbal" Vomit

Why is it always the case that unhappy people want to make others unhappy? Misery loves company, I guess.  I just don’t understand it.  I find joy in other people’s joy.  Sure, I find sorrow in their heart break too but at the end of the day, I lay my head down a happy person.  I’m happy with where my life is right now.  I’m happy with how I look, my job, my relationship, etc.  So why does my mother force herself upon me to ensure that all the things that make me happy seem not to matter?  She constantly insults everyone and everything around her and it makes me sad to be around her.  She is very unhappy and it’s not my job to fix it.  I guess it’s a good thing that I don’t feel responsible for it.  It’s not my fault.  I’d like to blame my sister but she just manipulates everyone around her.  I guess isn’t comforting that I know I’m an honest person, no matter what.  I know there are people who appreciate that.  My family doesn’t because they aren’t honest and they don’t like being caught in their bull shit.  At some point, I think it’s better not to catch them.  I can float around in the fog that is life, not knowing that every member of my family is in a constant spiral of dishonesty.  Is that better?  I think it must be. 

Side note – Stef was considering drinking again with her friend Alyssa when she’s in New York City next weekend.  Like must be fucking hard when you have no job and get to travel to NYC for the weekend.  She has this big come to Jesus with her therapist and my mom where she decided she wasn’t going to drink.  The simple fact that it took serious consideration just makes me laugh.  She can struggle with addiction and I’m fine with that.  I almost want to say I hope she falls of the wagon again so they maybe snap out of their ridiculous fog.  But then again, why would she?  She completely lives on them and a hard day is spending $250.00 on 1 single pair of jeans.  I’m glad she enjoys her life. 

I’ve been thinking about going to a counselor to have someone to talk to about all of this stuff.  I know nothing is ever going to change and that I really need to learn to accept it.  But I think it might be helpful to go and talk it out.  If anything, someone to tell me that these feelings I have are justified and okay.  That I don’t owe them anything and that it’s okay to move on with my life.  I want to move to a foreign country where they won’t come visit.  I hope they won’t, at least.

I need to get out this weekend.  That’s for sure.  I wish I had someplace to come home to that was quiet so I didn’t have to deal with them.  But, alas, I do not.  I might go over to my aunt and uncles maybe.  They are pretty laid back and it might be nice to get away for a while.  Unfortunately, I can’t go without Skoot.  I wish she was with me right now so I could take her with me.  She’s such a good pup.  I know she tries so hard and I can’t wait until she’s out of this unhealthy environment.  I’m sure she’s unhappy knowing how unhappy I am.  She responds really sensitively when she thinks that I’m upset.  It’s really adorable.  She really is my pup.  I hope she’s okay in Alaska.  I have to send her up to Jeremy for a few weeks until he moves down here because my Step Dad apparently can’t handle her being at the house.  It’s really unfortunate because this whole thing is so stupid.  I know Jeremy will take good care of her and I just hope that she will be happy there.  It’s only for a short time and then she’ll be back with me.  I’m nervous about her flying, for the first time, by herself though.  On the way back, she will be with Jeremy on the plane.  I’m going to buy him a T-shirt that says it’s his girlfriend’s dog.  I think it will be cute to see him and Skoot together.  I’m sure she will warm up to him eventually.  It will suck to be away from her for so long.  But at the moment, it’s what’s best for her because she’s not okay in the current environment.  Understanding that makes it easier to deal with being away from her.  I feel like I’m sending her away but I’m sending her to one of the only people I can trust to take care of her.  I just hope he doesn’t get annoyed with her cuz I know she’s a pain.  She’s my little pain though J.  It will seem like she’s gone forever but then it will go by fast, I’m sure.  I do wish I could take her up there so she didn’t have to fly alone but I’ll sedate her.  Hopefully she won’t even wake up on the plane so she won’t know what happened.  That would be ideal!

In other news, Jeremy is moving down in January.  Skoot will be back down then and will move into my old apartment with him.  Then he will stay there until April with Skoot.  And then we all move into a house or condo together.  I’m hoping we can find something a little nicer than a shitty apartment but at the same time, we might save money being in an apartment.  They aren’t much less expensive than a townhouse, for example, so I think that’s a better option.  We are also getting a 2 bedroom so we can have some extra space to spread out.  I think it will be nice to have an office or just an escape pod for a while.  We also need to look at buying a new car for him.  Maybe new vehicles for both of us?  I really want a new car but that can wait a while.  My truck still runs fine.  If something goes wrong though, it will be unfortunate.  It would just be very nice to have something a bit more fuel efficient. 

Btw, I’m at work but there isn’t anything to do so I’m writing because there is shit on my mind.  I’m definitely feeling better than I was before.  I think I just needed to get some complaining off the chest.  Now back to “work”! 

Refocus

It's been two weeks since I came back from Alaska and I've finally realized why I'm so unsure about everything.  First of all, I've been planning a wedding that is so far in the future, it's crazy to think about.  Any girl enjoys her wedding planning.  All girls like to dream about that one special day that they've seen in the movies hundreds of times.  Who will be their prince at the end of the aisle?  But in reality we're searching for that one person that might be able to deal with us for a few years.  That's what America's been reduced to, isn't it?  Temporary marriage with the first person that comes along until we decide to change our mind and move on with life, find the next person that we might be able to spend a few years with.  Is this any different? Hell if I know but we will find out.
Thank you Trevor, btw, for getting me to put two spaces between periods.  I was, at one point, against that because it's more work, lol, but it's good.  It does look sharp :-).
The thing that I have realized is that it's only been two freekin weeks.  I need to take a serious step back and start planning where we are going to live in Olympia before I start planning out wedding ceremony.  On that note though, I think we should do a destination wedding.  Just peace out.  This is, of course, about us and no one else.  Maybe I'll employ Brianna and my sister to plan a wonderful reception for our return from Iceland or something.  Now there's an idea.  And we don't have to worry about my crazy family because it will be over.  But I'm not planning this right now, remember? Focus.  Where we are going to live is a serious question right now because I don't know much of anything about Olympia.  But we are going to learn!

So now we sit down and look at what is before us on a much smaller scale.  We focus on preparations for Jeremy to move down here.  We focus on finding place to live for our little family as it stands today.  Me. Jeremy.  And skoot.  There are some awesome duplex's available with yards for little Belle to run around in.  I want something like that.  A duplex where we can have some animals and enjoy our time together.  That sounds like a good time.  So that's what we're working on.  Focus.

Philosophy

So I was going to write this as a comment to someone else's blog but it seems more fitting as a post on my own. And I know they will read it here too :-)

I think my favorite part about this blog thing is that we are talking to people who aren't really there, lol. Who are we writing to, anyway? Who is expected to read this stuff? What's interesting is that it's posted on the internet so it's basically saved in the public world for centuries. It's kinna kool to think that I might be able to go back and find this stuff in ten or twenty more years and read all about how things were. Now there's another interesting concept - time. It feels like a year is sooo far ahead of us but when you look back, things that happened years ago feel like they were just yesterday. Memories are kool like that, I guess. You have things that happen and they stay cemented in the reality of our mind forever. Do we really ever forget something? I don't think so. I think the information just wanders off in our brain for a while and then comes back eventually.

Clearly I've had too much down time today because I'm started getting into such deep thoughts as this. It is interesting though. Sometimes it's hard to think about the future. It seems so bright sometimes and others, it's as dreary as a rainy day. I hate rainy days. All rainy days just suck.

In other news, what's important to remember is that everyone is just another player in the game of life. There are big players and little players but they are all interconnected somehow. I used a story today about Jeremy to help my sister resolve her issues with stupid boy. Stupid boy's name is a fact that continues to escape me. It doesn't matter though. The point is that I referred to an event that happened while I was in AK - my friend Dave came over to visit and was at Jeremy's house. His room mates were all offended and upset that I had another guy over at his house etc but he didn't care at all. That's one of the huge important details of our relationship - we are secure. I don't find myself worrying about him being out with other girls or whatever. Granted, now that we're actually together, I probably won't be makin out on the couch with my first boyfriend but ... yea, we all know I'm a terrible person. Stop judging me.

Anyway, I'm excited to see what might happen in the next couple months. It will definitely be life changing no matter what happens. I hope I'm making the right decision because, well, someone's about to give up a lot for me. I'm so sure about this though. I just always doubt that I can be happy no matter what's in front of me. All the pieces are there. I just have to accept it. I feel like a counselor might be required to dive into this issue a bit farther. Am I holding myself back or is there a genuine tangible reason to be emotionally reserved at this point?

Hmmmm.....

Dreaming or Planning?

Because I have nothing else to do at work today... since my boss hasn't come in yet, I'm planning wedding ideas --

I read online that you can get a hard wood floor for your outdoor wedding tent and that's the recommendation if it's going to be wet or something. Totally going with it! I was thinking about the options for having the ceremony and reception at the homer house and making the tent the location for both events but I'm not sure that's do-able. I like the idea of having the reception in Anchorage but I can't figure out where. Again, tons of time. The logistics are evil though -- ceremony in Homer and then drive to Anchorage for the reception? Is that crazy? I feel like this is crazy. 

At the same time, I think it would be kool to have a few hours after the ceremony in a car with Jeremy to let it all soak in. So, say we have a morning wedding around 10 or 11, then start the drive. We can have everything in the car to change (if we want to) on the drive back to anchorage and just relax for a couple hours. I think it would be kinna kool. Unfortunately,  I think it would mean that the wedding party would go back to Homer then to clean up but maybe my family could hire a clean up crew. My grandma would probably stay at the house to make sure everything's back together but that wouldn't be the end of the world. How much reception is she going to be up for anyway? I think she'd just enjoy the ceremony. I dunno. I would have to talk to the family I guess about their opinion on logistics because I wouldn't want them all stuck at the homer house while I'm in Anchorage at the reception. They kinna need to be there too. I do really like the idea of not going straight from the ceremony to the reception though because it gives a little break in the day. And it gives me the opportunity to relax, take a nap or something if I'm super frazzled. I will calm down a big, I'm sure. And it also makes the day longer, though so it's more fun. That's my idea anyway. I'm so excited about this whole plan. 

Granted, this whole plan does totally put the cart before the horse. I feel like we need to live together for a while. And I know that 2014 gives us lots of time to do that but there's still something holding me back. Perhaps, of course, it's simply that he isn't down here yet. I think that will help me feel a lot better about this whole plan. For now, it's fun to dream. Although, this is more than a dream. It's planning! 

More on this later... I'm sure.

October 22, 2011

So... I woke up this morning at like 6am and Jeremy's awake... No big surprise. I ask him what's wrong, if something's bothering him, he says he's got stuff on his mind. I turn over and face away from him... he says, "Erika, Will you marry me?"

Excuse me? What?

I said yes. At 6am. Hella groggy. That's my happy ending, dream proposal, lol. I do feel it's rather typical for me. Something I would do. Fuck it, git 'er done.

He did propose again outside the airport before he dropped me off, which was very sweet. I had to fight back some tears. Now it just makes me smile... Or does it? Why don't I feel better about this? Why don't I want to run through the airport and scream from the roof tops that this is the best news ever. I got caught up in the moment. I could never say no to something like that. It just isn't something I can do. I have so much going for me in Washington. I am happy there. And it didn't take long for the moment to fade out. For me to come back to reality and wonder what the hell I'm doing. Helps that my sister laughed when I asked her about it. She doesn't even know who he is. And she's right. Is she right? Or am I pushing him away? Brianna might know more. I'm anxious to hear what she says. Am I scared? Maybe I should just give this a few months. This is crazy.

Alaska

So it's normal for me to have sooo much going on that I forget what all there is to write about when I actually have time to sit down and write. For one thing, Alaska just brings out the ugly in people. The weather is unpleasant at best, my family are all full of self-centered people who are completely focused on their on lives and don't give two shits about anyone else. Perfect example just happened -- The nanny is trying to help my aunt read the measurements from her drains after surgery and Sophie decides she needs Chrissy's attention so she sits and calls Chrissy over and over and over until she answers. She's in the same room and clearly understands that Chrissy is in the middle of helping her mom but even the fourteen year old is selfish enough to demand attention like a three year old toddler until she gets the aforementioned attention. WTF is up with that noise? I just don't understand how anyone could act like that. I would have been smacked a good one upside the dome for acting like that. Patience is non-existant in this house. It just makes it sooo hard to sit here and listen to these people and their crazy annoying self centered lives. I am reminding myself to stay focused on the point - Aunt Gerianne needs help. It's clear that no one here is willing to help her consistently so someone's gotta do it. I'm glad that I can be the one to help. I prepared her dinner again, for Aunt G and Henry. A friend brought over amazing cheesy chicken soup, home made rolls, and the delicious spinach, strawberry, and banana salad. So I put the salad together, warmed up the soup, and got it all plated and served. Happy little hostess that I am, lol. I also worked on  a chart of her medications so she can track which ones she's supposed to take everyday. I need to print it out for her so that's a project for tomorrow. I will probably have to ask Jeremy to help me with that project.

In other news, Jeremy's mamma (Michelle) and I are going to a hockey game on Thursday. Should be good bonding time. (Future mother-in-law bonding? Scary thought.) I'm excited for the game though because I've not been to an Aces game before. Which reminds me that I've also not been to a Sounders game. I need to work on that. Small goals, right Bri? :-)

Had another fight with Grandma today. I have no ability to keep my mouth shut when I'm talking to her. I think it's the only remaining outlet for my aggression towards my Dad. He's still completely impossible to understand. I guess I'm glad he's happy with Vicki but I will never understand how he can walk away from his kids and just pretend we barely exist. We are only around when it's convenient for him or socially required. It's hard to feel like your own biological father is only willing to be Dad when it fits into his busy schedule. Another reason why Dennis is such a good guy - we're not his kids but there is never a feeling of being annoying or inconvenient. We are all a family and sometimes you need to sacrifice yourself to help family here and there. Being up in Alaska has reminded me again that it is not a good place for the future. There is no future here. It's returning to the same shit I left 5 years ago. I miss it when I'm away but man, I can't imagine living here again. Sure, plenty of people would be excited and it would be fun for a while but it gets old very quickly. So yea, that's the decision of the day.

Regarding the fight with Anne that I'm pretty sure I wrote about, I am putting aside my bull with her to take care and focus on Aunt Gerianne. There's my personal sacrifice for family - dealing with their bull shit with a smile on my face so I can help Gerianne. She does so much for me and she works so hard. John came home and didn't even say hi to her. Promise to myself - I will never have a husband that doesn't say hello when he comes in the door. I want one that will drop his shit, walk over, and kiss me when he walks in the door. Especially if I am stuck in a chair right after surgery or worse - cancer treatment. I want a husband that will sit by my side through every single chemo treatment, every minute of hospital visits, and just be there for me. At the same time, I understand that he works and makes money to support the whole family and that's important but I just feel like it's not too much to ask for a simple few moments of attention when he gets home.

Computer battery is dying so I'm gonna wander off... More later ...

A seat by the fire

What an awesome night. I'm sitting with Jeremy's parents, watching football, and we're all playing on Facebook. I can't image a more pleasurable evening! Great dinner (Thank you Michelle!) and a really nice, comfortable evening. Being home has definitely reminded me of one of the negative things about my family -- there are so many expectations that you can't just sit around on Sunday evening and enjoy yourself. Sitting on your computer, talking to friends, and just enjoying yourself wouldn't be acceptable. And that's not acceptable to me. I really enjoy his family. Maybe they will be my family some day... I think we are both going to stress ourselves out if we continue to try to plan for something we're soooooo far away from even being able to talk about. We just need to sit back and keep riding the wave for a while before we make any changes. I think it's important to remember that. Did I mention that Jeremy built me a fire to sit in front of? Amazing!

What a day. So I had a huge argument with Annie last night. She can really say some mean things if she's upset about something. What a spoiled family. I just hope they don't learn their lessons too terribly hard. But I know it will be hard as time goes on. I don't feel like there's anything I can do to help them. And I can accept that. I will be here for anything I can do. If they reach out to me, I will be there. Sophie is upset that I had a fight with Annie so she's not talking to me. I think that's really unfortunate. But I will admit that I don't feel like I have anything to apologize for. I am upset that I didn't get to see Gerianne today and care for her. She is the only person that really matters in this situation. I am planning to call her in the morning, after the kids leave for school, and see if I can come over and hang out with her for the day. I'm very curious to hear what Annie said about the whole situation. I love Gerianne and I hope this doesn't negatively affect my relationship with her. Unfortunately, there's not a lot of competition to be had with lies from Annie. That's just the way it goes though. It will catch up with her eventually and I can't wait for that day. It's sad to say but true.

Anyway, I'm simply amazing with how comfortable I feel here. Beautiful house and wonderful people. Home? We will see... :-)

More to say...

So there's a whole lot more for me to write tonight. Shit with my grandma is ridiculous. I don't even want to write about what happened because there's just no point. I appreciate Brianna for listening to it today. And every day. There are certainly members of my family that are so wrapped up in their own shit it shocks the consciousness. I mean, after years of the same thing, you would think that I'd get over it eventually... you'd be wrong. It still surprises me every time. I think, maybe because my family in Olympia is so much different that I maintain hope that my Alaskan family will start exhibiting similar behavior. Don't hold your breath for that!

Anyway I'm tired of writing...

I wrote this sometime in September but just realized it was never posted. So here ya go...

Hi world, how ya doin today?

Friday has been quite an exciting day since I have 3 interviews scheduled for next week. All before noon. I might not hate mornings after this, lol! I had to go to Nelson & Carver today to pick up my new paycheck and realized upon entering the door that I really don't freekin like that place. I am sooo glad I'm out of there. Best decision ever!

If anyone has a question, Daniel Tosh is fuckin hilarious. I highly recommend you watch him. Go. Do it.

He's talking about skanks. Let's discuss this as well -- Dear Alaskan chic that's using my best friend - Fuck off. I'm not sure I want to elaborate on that right now but note that for later.

I dunno... sometimes I think he's gotta be listening...

So I'm laying in my cousins bed in Alaska, watching Gnomeo and Juliet and thinking about things. This is an awesome movie! I definitely love this movie. It reminds me of Matt, since it's the last movie we saw together but it's still a good movie. I remember sitting in the movie and hoping that I might find something like their romance. I guess I saw similarities to the love at first sight thing between me and Matt. I remember seeing him long ago and thinking about how cute he was. I wish, in some ways, that things had worked out differently between us. I should have waited longer to move to Washington and made some better decisions in our relationship. I have an overwhelming memory of being so unhappy back then though. I was trying to make things work and find a way to be happy but I was just never able to. It's not his fault. It is just how things happened. But that's not worth the time wasted in thinking about it anymore.

In other news, I'm mustering all the strength possible for tomorrow so I can stay strong for my little cousins tomorrow. Aunt G is going in for surgery tomorrow morning so we have to think positive thoughts. It's clear that the kids don't quite understand the severity of the situation. Which is fine. There's no reason so scare them unnecessarily. I have decided that I will spend the day with them. We're going to decorate Aunt G's space tomorrow so she can see how much love we have for her. I'm excited to do it! I hope tomorrow morning comes quickly. I am excited for the surgery because I want it to be over for her. Another step on the road to wellness. To this whole cancer thing being the past.

My cousin Bean (Kaiya) would like to have a shout out. So here it is. :-).

Now there's a reason to never look back. Cancer. Such a word has no true meaning until you are watching one of your treasured loved ones endure it's hardened blows. Chemo. Surgery. Radiation. They're just words without true meaning they are the only things that will save your life. Thank god for modern medicine! Thank god for the fact that we can stand up and fight back. It's a small step towards a greater tomorrow, for sure.

A greater tomorrow. I got a job today! I am working for the Swanson Law Firm in Olympia, WA. I am soooo excited because the attorneys are great. They originally offered a part time position and I was skeptical about being able to take it but today they offered me full time, benefits, and a salary of $30K! Absolutely everything I could ever dream of.  I am so freekin happy! Just wonderful! So I start work on October 24. Not too bad to have spent just over a month actually unemployed. And with the extra money of living at my mom's house, I can actually make some serious payments on my student loans so I won't be behind on them after all. I've decided that this job, Brianna being pregnant, and my aunt's surgery going super smooth are my three wishes for this year. I'm sure everything will go well because things have a way of working out in the end. And that's something I am truly thankful for.

Anyway, tonight, we pray.

Wrote this on the plane

I have an entire row to myself on the plane. It’s awesome. I have all the space in the world to stretch etc. It’s nice to have some room to think. Airplanes are nice. It’s just time for myself where no one can get to me, even if they wanted to. For three and a half hours, there is no possible way for anyone to get to me. I think it’s the freedom of being disconnected from the world, for only a short time that takes some stress off right now.

When Chris dropped me off, he asked if I would call or text him sometimes. This is the first time ever that I’m consciously making a decision to do something like this. The fact that I feel a bit guilty about it means that it’s not the right thing to do. But as always, I need to get this done so I can understand my emotions with Jeremy. Do I have feelings for Jeremy? Do I love that he loves me? I wish I could read it on a billboard in the morning. Just a simple black and white message telling me how I felt about whatever was coming up that day. I want to be wrapped up in his arms and see how I feel. It’s been so long since I felt that spark of my heart beating when someone’s arms are around me. I would love to feel that again. That being said, there’s always that age old ring finger guy that can make… I don’t wanna talk about it.

I’ve forgotten how much I love Sophie Ellis Bextor. I need to remember to write to Tristan and say hello. It’s been a while since we’ve talked. Now there’s a situation for the record books. It wasn’t meant to be I guess. I wonder if I’ll ever see him again and what will happen. I just think it would be interested to see how he’s doing. He was fun. The forbidden relationship was super fun.

Use it as a bookmark

Today will be an interesting day, for sure. I'm not sure what to expect out of a trip to Alaska, I think it makes me more nervous than I care to admit. There's a flight leaving an hour earlier and that would mean one less hour sitting in Seattle but I'm scared to board. I'm going to sit here and calm down for an hour before I brave such a trip. I'm sure everything will be fine but I just... can't....

Gma... omfg my grandma. So I made plans with the cousins to be there with him on Friday, hangin out, doing whatever needs to be done. Positive reinforcement. The kicker is that their mom is having surgery on Friday morning, double mastectomy (sp?), the next step in her breast cancer treatment. Am I the only one that understands this? I can't imagine that I'm the only person on this side of the family that gets that 4 small kids are dealing with the mother going through cancer treatment. I'm pretty sure if my mom had been going through something like this when I was in high school, I might have just died. I doubt I could ever be strong enough to go through something like that. It's inspiring how strong they are. They are always smiling when we chat on skype. I hope that my family will be that happy some day. Family... now there's a subject up for debate right now... Anyway, back to the grandma story -- so she calls me on Monday night when I'm 2 beers deep and out with my friends at a bar to say that she got tickets to some broadway show on Friday night and really wants me to be there. So I told her I had plans etc and needed to talk to Gerianne and the kids about the schedule of events for Friday. She f*in calls Gerianne to tell her that I have something else to do and ask Gann if she really needs me to be there on Friday. Disrespectful anyone? I don't understand why she does things like that after years of being gone, moved away, etc. She still treats me like I'm 12. Just to frost her ass, I'm probably not going to make it to the show. We will see. What the fuck would I do if something happened and those kids were alone? I dunno... Am I being unreasonable here? I think it's absolute shit.

Sometimes I just want to scream when my family starts pulling such shit like this. It makes for a horrible day, no matter what because it just doesn't make sense. That's the key though, isn't it. I have to learn to accept them the way they are and accept that they are never going to change. I need to change my perspective on the situation. But is that even worth it? What do I serve to gain from better relationships with them? I keep asking that question but nothing ever comes to mind... I dunno... I'm leaning towards that being an answer. There isn't anything to gain. Everything I've done to this point has been independent of their support. There are always reasons to be successful without them though. I guess we will see as I grow up a bit more. I really can't wait to have my own family. I will have a husband that will be proud of my accomplishments, no matter how big or small. Chris is like that right now. He's been great support through quitting my job. Just to have someone who will still laugh and have fun with me is everything right now. All is not lost! We will see what happens though. Deployment will be hard for me to wait through. I guess we will see where our relationship ends up in April...

It's foggy and gross outside this morning. Perhaps that's why I'm not feeling the greatest. However, considering what happened yesterday, I feel wonderful. I was expecting this whole thing to be much much worse and I really can't complain at all. I think this is definitely one of the best decisions I've made lately. Excellent!

Makin up for a lost week

I feel like a broken record when I say that it’s funny how the world turns. It’s interesting how things come together sometimes. I sent in two resumes today and got a call from both of them to schedule interviews next week. Of course, I will be in Alaska caring for Aunt G next week so I will get back in touch with these job opportunities when I return from AK. I’m thoroughly entertained by how that happened though. I was a call from each other them within an hour of sending in my cover letter and resume. I guess it does say good things about my qualifications though – I either get a super quick response and they can’t wait to have me in or I hear nothing at all. That is how things go sometimes though, isn’t it. There are some things that just work out and some that don’t.

It’s amazing that I can sit in my car in the middle of random downtown Olympia and access the internet on my cell phone. I can connect my laptop to my cell and surf facebook with great speed. It makes me wonder what will happen in the next ten years. We will have contacts for cell phones and be able to see video of the person we’re talking to. It seems creepy sometimes how connected the world is. On the positive side, people who are thousands of miles away are able to chat like they’re in the same room. You never are very far apart. As with anything in life, there are positives and negatives with the connected world today.

Jason Aldean, Dirt Road Anthem. TYVM.

So I’m going up to Alaska tomorrow. I ruined the surprise to Jeremy. No surprise to me because I do things like that all the time. It’s super hard for me to keep something like that under wraps because, as it happened in this case, I don’t listen to what I’m saying and I just let it pour out in the middle of another story. I don’t know whether I’m excited to go to Alaska or scared beyond life. Dad and Grandma are already up to their old tricks – Gma called Aunt G to cancel the plans I had with the cousins so I could attend some Broadway thing she bought tickets to. Bullshit? I think so but it’s how she works. I am excited to house sit for Jonathon though – I wish I stayed in better touch with him but he’s always working so hard. Inspiring. If anything, I know I will come back from Alaska understanding that I cannot be up there for long. Nice to visit, not to live.

Speaking of… we repeat the same old path that has become a recurring and predictable pattern for me. I have been talking to Jeremy about how much we love each other and could work together and guess what – I’m scared. I’m nervous. I don’t want to see him because I’m afraid of what might happen. However, vacation time in Alaska will definitely lend itself towards making me want to stay. But Alaska is not for me. It never will be again. Alaska is where I once lived, where I grew up and where I left and never looked back. That’s always been a motto of mine – never look back, never surrender. So why is there a giant rear view mirror in front of me? That past is the past. Hakuna Matata. God I love the Lion King. I can’t wait to buy it on DVD so I can watch it all the freekin time. Maybe I’ll get it for my trip to AK tomorrow. It would be nice to have something to watch on the airplane.

This blog is all over the place, something similar to what’s in  my head right now. I am on the right path to getting things figured out once again though. I got my IUD today. That will take some stress off for the next 5 years. I can do whatever I want, lol! I kinna wish I had considered this option sooner because I think it would have saved me some grief in the past. However, I guess the cost has always held me back. I look at this as a step in the direction of getting better with my responsibility. Getting back on my feet, as it were.

I moved into my parents house this weekend. That is an experience. It’s nice to have a roof that I’m not freakin about paying for next month but at the same time, there is a big part of me that hates the idea of living in my parent’s house. I am soooooooo glad I have my own bed though. We had a big blow out about moving into Stef’s room and the decision was made that I was going to move my furniture into the other room and thank god for that. I don’t want the lime green wall, for one thing. That’s her thing. I get my amazing bed, purple dresser, etc. I get the room set up for the most part today except none of my clothes are put away. When I get home, I need to pack for AK so I’ll put my clothes away at the same time.

This will be the first time I’ll be away from Annabelle for over a weekend. I’m sure she will be okay at my mom’s house but I’m nervous at the same time. I really can’t imagine life without her. Right now, she’s laying under my sweatshirt taking a nap and it’s so nice to have a friend that will hang out with me anytime. Sometimes, I wonder if my friends even like hangin out with me. Seriously, my mock trial team is planning another reunion but they haven’t invited me to it. I just saw the posts on FB. The last time we planned one, no one came except Normina. She’s a good person. I love that girl. I dunno, I have hundreds of friends so I don’t really care if my mockers are too caught up in whatever happened years ago. And… whatever I Might have done that no one ever talked to me about. I’ve always been told that I’m one of the most approachable people because I take anything seriously and I will always respond to the smallest request but mock and my job and N&C are the first time I’ve heard differently. Maybe these Washington people just aren’t the right people for me to be around. I need to move to the city or something where there’s too much going on for people to be caught up in bullshit like that. I think that’s the problem with small towns, people have nothing else to do but get caught up in each others bullshit and create problems out of nothing so they have something to do. Stupid.

This is long. Sorry. But it makes up for the time I haven’t had in the last couple days. By this time tomorrow, I’ll be home again, in AK. I guess we will see if I find home there. I doubt it. 

The fact that I can watch youtube videos from my phone internet in the car on my laptop blows my mind. More on this later because I don't know what else to write about and I just wanna watch stupid videos. 

http://youtu.be/vIk25NlP3o8     AND      http://youtu.be/wyx6JDQCslE. 

Don't try to tell you these don't make you laugh. Cuz you're lying. And lying is dumb. Don't be dumb. XO! 

Moving day

So I'm moving back down to my parents house this weekend. Something I said I would never do. But I have no money to pay bills. It's okay, since I don't have many bills after I move out of my apartment. This will allow me to focus on the important things, such as finding proper employment that will be best for me. I think it will be okay. I'm trying to work as hard as I can to stay positive about the idea of moving back to my mom's. Although, it's totally against everything I tend to believe in. It's really unfortunate that I'm reduced to such a conclusion after graduating college. But I guess, that's what happens in today's economy. It is what it is, I guess. Anyway, moving day is Sunday so I'm doing to work on a to-do list so I get things done in the next two days:

FRIDAY:

**Call and reschedule dentist appt

Pack all decoration stuff into box for storage

Pack all dishes/kitchen stuff into box for storage

Pack closet in trash bags to protect them

SATURDAY

Pack dressers into suit cases

Hang closet in TB

Pack bathroom in 2 boxes - 1 for home (TB), 1 for storage (UHaul)

Pack vanity in box and put in TB

SUNDAY MORNING

Pack food items for home (TB)

Stage storage boxes in front of bookshelf

Stage home boxes in TB

Jeremy, this is your reminder to call your grandma. I hope you read it :-).

What day is it??

So I feel like I've been out of work for decades. The market is definitely challenging out there. I've decided to move out of my apartment, down to my moms. I know that will motivate me to get something going as fast as possible. I definitely don't want to be there any longer than completely necessary.

1. When was the last time you tried something new?

I've been trying quite a few new things recently because ... well, quitting my job was a whole new experience. It's the first time I've ever done something like this with out a complete plan for the future. Another chapter of figure it out as we go, I suppose. Everyday, I wake up and hope for another opportunity to come my way. I think about tons of options all the time. But I suppose that's a good thing. Stay open minded in the face of adversity, right? There's all kinds of something new in my world :-)

2. Who do you sometimes compare yourself to?

I compare myself to Brianna all the freekin time. Because she inspires me to be better. She's a great person :-).

3. What’s the most sensible thing you’ve ever heard someone say?

See the quote on the heading of my blog. Freekin genius and wine is amazing.

4. What gets you excited about life?

Opportunities for new experiences.

5. What life lesson did you learn the hard way?

Love hurts but it is within that pain and we learn joy.

That's all I can manage right now. I'm sooo tired these last few days.......

I'm going to answer these...

1. When was the last time you tried something new?
• I love trying new things. I think the biggest new things I've tried lately was the whole dating website thing. I've made some pretty good friends. And I've met some creepers... But it's an experience nonetheless. 
2. Who do you sometimes compare yourself to?
• I compare myself to Brianna. She's amazing. 
3. What’s the most sensible thing you’ve ever heard someone say?
• The quote on the front page of my blog. So true. 
4. What gets you excited about life?

• A new day and the excitement of finding out what's going to come that day. 

1. What life lesson did you learn the hard way?

• I have learned that the hardest thing to do is stay positive when the world seems to be working against you. When I feel like I have no family, I have to remember that family is the people that love you no matter what and I'm lucky to have people in my life that will always love me, even if they aren't those that contributed biological matter to my birth. 

1. What do you wish you spent more time doing five years ago?
• I wish sometimes that I had spent more time embracing the opportunities that my first year at WSU opened up for me. But I had a great college experience so I must have done something right. 
2. Do you ask enough questions or do you settle for what you know?
• I always ask questions about the big things or the small things. I'm lucky that I have friends who are always willing to answer such questions. I learn more and more everyday and I never want to stop! 
3. Who do you love and what are you doing about it?
• Right now, I just don't know... 
4. What’s a belief that you hold with which many people disagree?
• I hold that Bush was a great president and he successfully lead our country into a war with an enemy that needed to be crushed like the bugs they are. And I respect every service member of our country who are fighting everyday to ensure 9/11/01 never happens to our country again. 
5. What can you do today that you were not capable of a year ago?
• I can smile everyday that I have successful people in my life who love me for me! 
6. Do you think crying is a sign of weakness or strength?
• Strength. It is a strong person who is not afraid to express when they are weak. 
7. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
• I'm honestly not sure what to say here. I do a lot of random things and I don't generally care what people think about it... 
8. Do you celebrate the things you do have?
• I don't do it enough. But yes.
9. What is the difference between living and existing?
• Shit yes! You can exist and never live. I wonder if my dad does this sometimes. He has never been happy with his life independently of something or someone else. That is an unfortunate existence, I think. 
10. If not now, then when?
• Amen to that. I'm going to AK to figure that out. Ironic that I'm answering this while sitting at the airport waiting for my flight. 
11. Have you done anything lately worth remembering?
• No matter what happens, I will remember my relationship with Chris because he has given me true support that I've not received in a relationship before this one. He makes me believe that there are decent people out there and I deserve to be with one that will get up and give me a kiss when I walk into the room.
12. What does your joy look like today?

• It's an airplane that I can barely see out the window because it's too foggy. Maybe it's just God's way of easing the suspense of getting to AK. If I can't see it, maybe it won't be so scary. 

1. Is it possible to lie without saying a word?
• Yes. If you don't correct a lie, you are still lying. 
2. If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow this person to be your friend?
• I would hope they'd be my best friend and talk to me everyday. 
3. Which activities make you lose track of time?
• One word. Facebook. 
4. If you had to teach something, what would you teach?
• I would teach people around me to be confident in their life, no matter what and to be happy for themselves, no one else. And never be afraid to love completely. 
5. What would you regret not fully doing, being or having in your life?
• 
  
6. Are you holding onto something that you need to let go of?
7. When you are 80-years-old, what will matter to you the most?
8. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards and just do what you know is right?
9. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
10. Would you break the law to save a loved one?
11. What makes you smile?
12. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
13. If you had the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people, what would your message be?
14. If the average human lifespan was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
15. What do we all have in common besides our genes that makes us human?
16. If you could choose one book as a mandatory read for all high school students, which book would you choose?
17. Would you rather have less work or more work you actually enjoy doing?
18. What is important enough to go to war over?
19. Which is worse, failing or never trying?
20. When was the last time you listened to the sound of your own breathing?
21. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
22. What does ‘The American Dream’ mean to you?
23. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
24. If you could instill one piece of advice in a newborn baby’s mind, what advice would you give?
25. What is the most desirable trait another person can possess?
26. What are you most grateful for?
27. Is stealing to feed a starving child wrong?
28. What do you want most?
29. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
30. What has life taught you recently?
31. What is the one thing you would most like to change about the world?
32. Where do you find inspiration?
33. Can you describe your life in a six word sentence?
34. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
35. What impact do you want to leave on the world?
36. What is the most defining moment of your life thus far?
37. In the haste of your daily life, what are you not seeing?
38. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?
39. What lifts your spirits when life gets you down?
40. Have you ever regretted something you did not say or do?
41. Has your greatest fear ever come true?
42. Why do we think of others the most when they’re gone?
43. What is your most beloved childhood memory?
44. Is it more important to love or be loved?
45. If it all came back around to you, would it help you or hurt you?
46. If you had the chance to go back in time and change one thing would you do it?
47. If a doctor gave you five years to live, what would you try to accomplish?
48. What is the difference between falling in love and being in love?
49. Who do you think stands between you and happiness?
50. What is the difference between innocence and ignorance?
51. What is the simplest truth you can express in words?
52. What gives your life meaning?
53. Can there be happiness without sadness? Pleasure without pain? Peace without war?
54. What’s the one thing you’d like others to remember about you at the end of your life?
55. Is there such a thing as perfect?
56. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?
57. What does it mean to be human?
58. If you looked into the heart of your enemy, what do you think you would find that is different from what is in your own heart?
59. What do you love most about yourself?
60. Where would you most like to go and why?
61. Is it more important to do what you love or to love what you are doing?
62. What do you imagine yourself doing ten years from now?
63. What small act of kindness were you once shown that you will never forget?
64. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?
65. Do you own your things or do your things own you?
66. Would you rather lose all of your old memories or never be able to make new ones?
67. How do you deal with someone in a position of power who wants you to fail?
68. What do you have that you cannot live without?
69. When you close your eyes what do you see?
70. What sustains you on a daily basis?
71. What are your top five personal values?
72. Why must you love someone enough to let them go?
73. Do you ever celebrate the green lights?
74. What personal prisons have you built out of fears?
75. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do?
76. Why are you, you?
77. If you haven’t achieved it yet what do you have to lose?
78. What three words would you use to describe the last three months of your life?
79. Is it ever right to do the wrong thing? Is it ever wrong to do the right thing?
80. How would you describe ‘freedom’ in your own words?
81. What is the most important thing you could do right now in your personal life?
82. If you could ask one person, alive or dead, only one question, who would you ask and what would you ask?
83. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?
84. What is your number one goal for the next six months?
85. Would you ever give up your life to save someone else?
86. Are you happy with yourself?
87. What is the meaning of ‘peace’ to you?
88. What are three moral rules you will never break?
89. What does it mean to allow another person to truly love you?
90. Who or what do you think of when you think of love?
91. If your life was a novel, what would be the title and how would your story end?
92. What would you not give up for $1,000,000 in cash?
93. When do you feel most like yourself?
94. When you help someone do you ever think, “What’s in it for me?”
95. What is your greatest challenge?
96. How do you know when it’s time to continue holding on or time to let go?
97. How do you define success?
98. If someone could tell you the exact day and time you are going to die, would you want them to tell you?
99. If I could grant you one wish what would you wish for?
100. What have you read online recently that inspired you?
101. Why do religions that advocate unity divide the human race?
102. If you could live one day of your life over again, what day would you choose?
103. What can money not buy?
104. If you left this life tomorrow, how would you be remembered?
105. Beyond the titles that others have given you, who are you?
106. If you could live the next 24 hours and then erase it and start over just once, what would you do?
107. Is it possible to know the truth without challenging it first?
108. What word best describes the way you’ve spent the last month of your life?
109. What makes everyone smile?
110. What do you owe yourself?
111. What would your ‘priceless’ Mastercard-style commercial be?
112. Can you think of a time when impossible became possible?
113. Why do you matter?
114. How have you changed in the last five years?
115. What are you sure of in your life?
116. When you think of ‘home,’ what, specifically, do you think of?
117. What’s the difference between settling for things and accepting the way things are?
118. How many of your friends would you trust with your life?
119. What’s your definition of heaven?
120. What is your most prized possession?
121. How would you describe yourself in one sentence?
122. What stands between you and happiness?
123. What makes a person beautiful?
124. Is there ever a time when giving up makes sense?
125. What makes you proud?
126. How do you find the strength to do what you know in your heart is right?
127. Where do you find peace?
128. When have you worked hard and loved every minute of it?
129. How short would your life have to be before you would start living differently today?
130. Is it better to have loved and lost or to have never loved at all?
131. What would you do if you made a mistake and somebody died?
132. Who do you trust and why?
133. If you were forced to eliminate every physical possession from your life with the exception of what could fit into a single backpack, what would you put in it?
134. When does silence convey more meaning than words?
135. How do you spend the majority of your free time?
136. Who do you think of first when you think of ‘success?’
137. What did you want to be when you grew up?
138. How will today matter in five years from now?
139. How have you helped someone else recently?
140. What is your greatest skill?
141. Do you see to believe or believe to see?
142. How are you pursuing your dreams right now?
143. What’s the next big step you need to take?
144. If today was the last day of your life, would you want to do what you are about to do today?
145. If today was the last day of your life, who would you call and what would you tell them?
146. Who do you dream about?
147. What do you have trouble seeing clearly in your mind?
148. What are you looking forward to?
149. What is the number one thing you want to accomplish before you die?
150. When is love a weakness?
151. What has been the most terrifying moment of your life thus far?
152. Who is the strongest person you know?
153. If you could take a single photograph of your life, what would it look like?
154. Is the reward worth the risk?
155. For you personally, what makes today worth living?
156. What have you done in the last year that makes you proud?
157. What did you learn recently that changed the way you live?
158. What is your fondest memory from the past three years?
159. What are the primary components of a happy life?
160. How would the world be different if you were never born?
161. What is your favorite song and why?
162. With the resources you have right now, what can you do to bring yourself closer to your goal?
163. What are your top three priorities?
164. Why do we idolize sports players?
165. What is the nicest thing someone has ever done for you?
166. What do you see when you look into the future?
167. What makes you angry? Why?
168. What is the most valuable life lesson you learned from your parents?
169. What does love feel like?
170. What are your favorite simple pleasures?
171. If you could go back in time and tell a younger version of yourself one thing, what would you tell?
172. What do you do to deliberately impress others?
173. What will you never do?
174. Excluding romantic relationships, who do you love?
175. What is your earliest childhood memory?
176. What book has had the greatest influence on your life?
177. What three questions do you wish you knew the answers to?
178. What is the greatest peer pressure you’ve ever felt?
179. What’s the biggest lie you once believed was true?
180. In your lifetime, what have you done that hurt someone else?
181. What’s the best part of growing older?
182. What’s been on your mind most lately?
183. What do you think is worth waiting for?
184. What chances do you wish you had taken?
185. Where else would you like to live? Why?
186. What motivates you to go to work each day?
187. What do you wish you had done differently?
188. What is your greatest strength and your greatest weakness?
189. When was the last time you lied? What did you lie about?
190. What made you smile this week?
191. What do you do with the majority of your money?
192. What motivates you to be your best?
193. When was the last time you lost your temper? About what?
194. What will you never give up on?
195. When you look into the past, what do you miss the most?
196. How would you describe the past year of your life in one sentence?
197. What is the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?
198. What makes you uncomfortable?
199. If you had to move 3000 miles away, what one thing would you miss the most?
200. What worries you about the future?
201. What one ‘need’ and one ‘want’ will you strive to achieve in the next twelve months?
202. What life lessons did you have to experience firsthand before you fully understood them?
203. Do you like the city or town you live in? Why or why not?
204. What’s the best part of being you?
205. When you look back over the past month, what single moment stands out?
206. What do you do to relieve stress?
207. What is your happiest memory?
208. What is your saddest memory?
209. What would you like to change?
210. How many people do you love?
211. What’s the best decision you’ve ever made?
212. What’s your favorite true story that you enjoy sharing with others?
213. Right now, at this moment, what do you want most?
214. What are you waiting for? How are you writing your life’s story?
215. What makes love last?
216. What good comes from suffering?
217. What’s the most important lesson you’ve learned in the last year?
218. Based on you current daily actions and routines, where would you expect to be in five years?
219. What was your last major accomplishment?
220. Through all of life’s twists and turns who has been there for you?
221. What or who has been distracting you?
222. What are you looking forward to in the upcoming week?
223. Who is your mentor and what have you learned from them?
224. What are you uncertain about?
225. What do you think about when you lie awake in bed?
226. What’s something most people don’t know about you?
227. When you have a random hour of free time, what do you usually do?
228. What makes you weird?
229. If you could relive yesterday what would you do differently?
230. What do you do over and over again that you hate doing?
231. Would you rather your child be less attractive and extremely intelligent or extremely attractive and less intelligent?
232. What white lies do you often tell?
233. What is the biggest change you have made in your life in the last year?
234. What do you understand today about your life that you did not understand a year ago?
235. Whose life have you had the greatest impact on?
236. What did life teach you yesterday?
237. Who impresses you?
238. What have you done that you are not proud of?
239. When should you reveal a secret that you promised you wouldn’t reveal?
240. How would you spend your ideal day?
241. What is the one primary quality you look for in a significant other?
242. What do you admire most about your mother and father?
243. What is the best advice you have ever received?
244. If you could live forever, would you want to? Why?
245. If you had to be someone else for one day, who would you be and why?
246. What positive changes have you made in your life recently?
247. Who makes you feel good about yourself?
248. What is your biggest regret?
249. Which one of your responsibilities do you wish you could get rid of?
250. What’s something you don’t like to do that you are still really good at?
251. What type of person angers you the most?
252. What is missing in your life?
253. What is your most striking physical attribute?
254. What has fear of failure stopped you from doing?
255. Who would you like to please the most?
256. If you could go back in time and change things, what would you change about the week that just passed?
257. When you meet someone for the very first time what do you want them to think about you?
258. Who would you like to forgive?
259. At what point during the last five years have you felt lost and alone?
260. What is one opportunity you believe you missed out on when you were younger?
261. What do you want more of in your life?
262. What do you want less of in your life?
263. Who depends on you?
264. Who has had the greatest impact on your life?
265. Are you happy with where you are in your life? Why?
266. In one year from today, how do you think your life will be different?
267. How have you sabotaged yourself in the past five years?
268. Other than money, what else have you gained from your current job?
269. Whom do you secretly envy? Why?
270. In twenty years, what do you want to remember?
271. What are you most excited about in your life right now – today?
272. What experience from this past year do you appreciate the most?
273. What is the most enjoyable thing your family has done together in the last three years?
274. How many hours of television do you watch in a week? A month? A year?
275. What is the biggest obstacle that stands in your way right now?
276. What do you sometimes pretend you understand that you really don’t?
277. What do you like most about your job? What do you dislike most about your job?
278. What’s something new you recently learned about yourself?
279. In one sentence, how would you describe your relationship with your mother?
280. What was the most defining moment in your life during this past year?
281. What’s the number one change you need to make in your life in the next twelve months?
282. What makes you feel secure?
283. What is your favorite sound?
284. What are the top three qualities you look for in a friend?
285. What simple gesture have you recently witnessed that renewed your hope in humanity?
286. What is your favorite smell?
287. What recent memory makes you smile the most?
288. In one word, how would you describe your childhood?
289. What celebrities do you admire? Why?
290. What is the number one motivator in your life right now?
291. What music do you listen to to lift your spirits when you’re feeling down?
292. If I gave you $1000 and told you that you had to spend it today, what would you buy?
293. What was the last thing that made you laugh out loud?
294. What is your biggest pet peeve?
295. Who was the last person you said “I love you” to?
296. What is your biggest phobia?
297. What are some recent compliments you’ve received?
298. How many friends do you have in real life that you talk to regularly?
299. How much money per month is enough for you to live comfortably?
300. When was your first impression of someone totally wrong?
301. How many hours a week do you spend online?
302. What do you love to do?
303. What specific character trait do you want to be known for?
304. Are you more like your mom or your dad? In what way?
305. What is the number one quality that makes someone a good leader?
306. What bad habits do you want to break?
307. What is your favorite place on Earth?
308. What do you love to practice?
309. What questions do you often ask yourself?
310. What are you an expert at?
311. How would an extra $1000 a month change your life?
312. What things in life should always be free?
313. What is your favorite time of the year?
314. What is something you have always wanted since you were a kid?
315. What is the most recent dream you remember having while sleeping?
316. What confuses you?
317. In what way are you your own worst enemy?
318. When did you not speak up when you should have?
319. What is your favorite quote?
320. What is your favorite fictional story? (novel, movie, fairytale, etc.)
321. Where or who do you turn to when you need good advice?
322. What artistic medium do you use to express yourself?
323. Who or what is the greatest enemy of mankind?
324. What’s something you wish you had done earlier in life?
325. What is the closest you have ever come to fearing for your life?
326. How do you deal with isolation and loneliness?
327. What do you know well enough to teach to others?
328. What’s a quick decision you once made that changed your life?
329. What have you lost interest in recently?
330. What makes life easier?
331. What was the last thing you furiously argued about with someone?
332. What job would you never do no matter how much it paid?
333. What is the number one solution to healing the world?
334. What could society do without?
335. What stresses you out?
336. Now that it’s behind you, what did you do last week that was memorable?
337. Where do you spend most of your time while you’re awake?
338. What makes someone a hero?
339. When in your life have you been a victim of stereotyping?
340. When was the last time you felt lucky?
341. When did you first realize that life is short?
342. What is the most insensitive thing a person can do?
343. What can someone do to grab your attention?
344. What do you usually think about on your drive home from work?
345. What’s one downside of the modern day world?
346. What simple fact do you wish more people understood?
347. If you could do it all over again, would you change anything?
348. How would you describe your future in three words?